The Keeper

Toph is Part of a Game Martha's No Good At

Toph was stacking bags of compost when Martha walked into the garden centre. He shoved the trolley out of the way and marched towards her with a giant smile on his face.

"Hello, Martha. How's the hangover?"

"I feel fine, but Amy isn't too flash. She thinks she'll spend the whole day in bed. I thought you weren't rostered on today."

"They called me this morning because John's sick. He was at the party too, remember?"

Martha didn't remember, shrugged and asked, "How are you?"

"Fantastic. I had a great time last night."

"Me too. It was the best party I've been to in yonks."

"Cool. That's great. Um... do you want to go out sometime this week?"

"This week? I've got a lot of work on..."

"Oh, right. Okay. How about at the weekend? Are you free on Friday night?"

"I think so."

"Do you fancy seeing Dances with Wolves? It's supposed to be quite good."

"Sure," Martha said. She had wanted to see the film with Amy, but Amy couldn't stand Kevin Costner.

"Great. I'll meet you at the Regent at 8 o'clock." And then: "Er... I can get my mum to pick you up if you like? It's just that I haven't passed my test yet and..."

"Don't worry, Toph. I'll see you there." Martha would rather bike a couple of miles to take the train into town than be picked up by her date's mother. Plus she could meet up with Amy afterwards and have an exit plan.

When Martha told Toph she would be meeting Amy at the King's Arms after the film, he thought it was an excellent idea and arranged to meet his best friend there, too. Brian wasn't anything like Stefan Romano in the looks department, but he had a lot more personality. He was sweet and funny and Amy added him to her roster of nearly-but-not-quite boyfriends.

On the days they weren't at school or working, Martha went round to Toph's house. His parents went overboard, complimenting her on how she looked, her talent for drawing, her manners: anything they could glean about her. He could see her discomfort and brushed them off before they escaped to his room. Every half hour or so, his mum would knock on the door and discreetly ask if they wanted a cup of tea. Toph swatted her away and then turned up the volume of his jazz records. It wasn't Martha's kind of music but he insisted that if she could hear it live it would be different. Not that they could get into jazz clubs at their age, he said, but he was sure she would love it when they did. He was sure they would enjoy all sorts of things in the future. Martha wasn't sure. She wasn't sure about anything. She still wasn't sure about the kissing. And there was more, of course. Toph told her he respected her and would wait for when she was ready, but Martha didn't think she'd ever be ready. Kissing was enough. In fact it was too much. The only time she enjoyed it was when she imagined he was Dean. Toph responded in kind and reached around to undo her bra. She made a break for the bathroom and then said she needed to get home.

Martha's parents thought Toph was 'a delightful young man' and pushed her out of the house to 'have fun' each time he called. Everybody loved Toph. Everybody except Martha. Martha listed his virtues in her diary and filled a page. She should have fancied him. She tried to have fun. At the weekends, they met up at the pub with his friends, Amy and whoever Amy was with at the time. As the spring days warmed, they would bike to the beach and have a dip in the icy cold water before sharing a flask of hot chocolate and shivering under a blanket. She enjoyed having the company for activities Amy had no interest in. Amy would never cycle anywhere or go on a long walk. And it was pleasant to warm up in old pubs with Toph after they had been out. But something was missing.

That something was Dean.

She became used to Toph's attention, but it was as if it was happening to someone else. Her mind was always on Dean. Would it feel the same with Dean? Was she frigid? At times Martha detached her mind from her body, observing herself from a distance. Doing what a teenager should be doing without enjoying any of it. One day when they were walking through town, Toph took Martha's hand in his. Martha told herself how lucky she was to be with someone so sweet who wanted to be with her. She gave his hand a squeeze and he turned to her and grinned. But then, from the corner of her eye, Martha was aware of someone standing there, of being watched. She turned her head and saw Dean. Instinctively, she let go of Toph's hand, but Dean had seen her. He looked away and ducked into a shop.

Toph turned to Martha and asked, "Are you okay?"

Martha nodded, but felt shaken. She felt as if she was cheating on Dean. Which was ridiculous, but she felt it all the same. After that, she knew she was only going through the motions, ready to be discovered playing a game that she wasn't very good at.