Unsettled/Disillusioned

Chapter 26: the Kyber Crystal

"Oh, Caleb," Master Beq got up from his seat and wrapped Kanan into a stalwart embrace. Comfort bloomed from within Kanan as he pressed his face into Master Beq's shoulder and let the tears flow. The fabric was sturdy yet soft, like the robes they used to wear. Kanan couldn't stop himself from wrapping his arms around the Jedi Master as sobs wracked his entire being.

"Master Billaba gave her life for mine!" Kanan managed to say, muffled into the fabric of Master Beq's clothes, "I survived...!"

"And you're thriving, Caleb. Kanan. Oh, I'm sorry. What name do you prefer I call you?"

"I'm..." the two names were stuck in his throat, each one clawing their way out of his chest. It felt so good to hear the name Caleb Dume in the lips of another Jedi, from a man who loved and cared for him. But Caleb Dume was a Padawan that died with his Master on the day of the Purge... Kanan Jarrus was the man that survived. "Kanan... I'm Kanan Jarrus, Jedi Knight," Kanan said with a smile in his heart.

"Then, Kanan, it's truly a pleasure to see you again," Master Beq said as he moved to hold Kanan's shoulders firmly in his arms, "I'm glad you came to help us."

Kanan took a breath to reach under his mask and wipe his eyes, to dry his cheeks and beard of the salty streams. "Cal's a friend," Kanan felt he'd reminded himself more than telling Master Beq, "of course I'd come." He forced a smile. "I'm... so surprised you're here! Sorry, I was under the impression that Cal was Kata's Master."

"Oh, well I have lots of teachers," Kata exclaimed, "Merrin teaches me how to fight and Master Beq teaches me Jedi things... Cal teaches me lots, too... there's cooking and cleaning and caring for the nekko and reading maps and fixing droids and figuring the maths for the best deals at market... when we go on archaeological expeditions he teaches me things about past Jedi with holobooks and holocrons."

Just then, Kanan sensed the trembling, burning nebula of Cal enter the saloon, the cracks in his core were cold but luminous, hiding dark, smouldering shadows between them.

"Morning, everyone," Cal greeted casually as BD-1 buzzed gleefully from his shoulder. He pulled Kata into a hug, overjoyed to see she'd recovered well, then gave a respectful wave to Master Beq. And then Kanan felt Cal's eyes on his painted jaigs once again.

"Slept well, Kanan?" Cal greeted as he leaned on the bar.

"Fine, you?" Kanan asked. Cal only shrugged.

Master Beq clicked his tongue at Cal as a reminder not to act rude. Kanan pressed his lips together and hoped Cal would be feeling better today.

"So, what's the plan for the rescue?" Kata asked.

"I'll stay here to help protect Koboh in case the Empire strikes here again," Master Beq said.

"We'd been in contact with Andor," Cal explained, he and Kanan had a late night holo transmission with the other Spectres on the Ghost. "it turns out Clone Force 99 had some dealings with Dr. Hemlock before. I'll compare notes with Tech later today. We may head out again tonight at the earliest," he said, his voice flat and clinical.

"Who have you picked for your team?" Master Beq asked.

"Kallus insisted he'd help, but I'm not sure his leg would be healed enough by then," Cal worried.

"Whether he's well enough to accompany us or not, Cal and Kata will have the support of the Ghost crew to bring their people home. We updated Dodanna and Andor on the progress of the mission," Kanan explained to Master Beq. Despite the recent difficulties they'd experienced, it wouldn't be right to scrub the mission at this point. Kanan just needed to talk with Cal alone, they had time to do that today. He'd handled Ezra at his worst. He convinced himself he wasn't afraid of Cal either. "I will be right by your side when you go, Cal," Kanan assured him.

Kanan laid a gentle hand on Cal's shoulder and spoke quietly, "I would just like to speak with you about what happened. Greez explained some things to me last night. I'm sorry."

Cal gave a little hum of appreciation. BD buzzed on his back. "I understand... I just need to meditate first, okay?"

Kanan sensed a slight hint of shame coiled tight within Cal and nodded cautiously.

"Cal," Master Beq called the ginger Jedi aside and Kanan remembered what he'd rushed over here for in the first place. Kanan heard someone scream Cal's name again. A pained shriek clawed at Kanan's insides. He didn't know who or where it was coming from exactly, but it was near where Master Beq had called Cal aside into a secluded corner of the saloon. Kata ordered some pancakes for herself and Kanan, then sat quietly listening to DD-EC's morning playlist. Kanan pretended to listen to the music too, but a different set of voices floated into his ears instead.

"Sounds like a good team is coming with you, isn't that enough? Are you sure you're ready for that?" Master Beq asked quietly.

"Master Cordova and Lady Ventress are good guides, but their crystals can pull me in different directions sometimes. I need to stay focused for what comes next," Cal determined.

"And you think a split, bleeding crystal will be more helpful than them?" Master Beq challenged.

"I know it will. Because it's mine," Cal replied.

Satisfied that Cal was confident in his answer, Master Beq put something into Cal's hand that sparked as it changed hands. Some sort of small box, the contents of which twinkled with broken glass. Cal thanked Master Beq and walked over to Kata with slow measured steps.

"I need to go meditate," Cal placed a reassuring hand on Kata's shoulder, "call Dersen if you need me, okay sprout?"

Kata nodded and Cal ghosted past Kanan to leave the saloon, avoiding his blind gaze. A crystalline wail of Cal Kestis pierced Kanan's heart with a cold agony as he walked by.

A question itched on his lips. He couldn't possibly ask that of Master Beq or Kata. He swallowed it down and his stomach turned sourly.

~~~

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