My Saving Grace

February 9, 2013

Alex's P.O.V. (Triggering throughout, mentions of suicide and self harm)

Yesterday was weird. I didn't entirely understand what Mitch said but that was fine. What I did understand about what Mitch told me was that Scott would most likely want to talk to me today. Not that he didn't want to talk to me personally yesterday but..... I'm confused.

I heard a soft knock at the door, which knocked me out of my thoughts. I opened it to see Scott stood out there. I was caught off guard by him, realising I was wearing just sweat pants. I wasn't usually self conscious about things like that but today I seemed to be. I felt my cheeks warm up as Scott broke into a smile.

"Sorry I didn't buzz in. Someone let me in and I thought...." Scott chuckled. I stepped back.

"No, it's...uh...it's fine. I was just...uh...getting ready." I was stuttering so much! I nearly slapped myself across the face. Keep it together, Alex. Why the hell are you nervous?! Because I'm half naked in front of the most beautiful man I've ever seen in my life, that's why! "Come in." I urged stepping to the side to let him through.

"You're funny. I mean, you're beautiful and yet you're so self conscious!" Scott said, his hand immediately flying to his mouth. "I didn't mean... But I did...but oh my god...you're just..." He stuttered. I giggled, feeling my heart beat a little faster.

"You can go and sit down, I'm just gonna get ready." I said to him. He nodded, looking up at me, his cheeks returning to their normal colour. I stopped for a moment, his eyes were enticing. Like mini blue oceans and I couldn't get over how much they sparkled. I contemplated kissing him like I did the other day and wow that was a good kiss. But I stopped myself before I could because maybe he didn't want that.... But he didn't stop the kiss. I shook my head, turning and walking towards my bedroom, feeling his eyes on my back all the way to my door.

Once I was ready I walked back out to where Scott was sat on my couch. He had the TV on and was watching SpongeBob. He had his head tilted back in laughter. And wow it was amazing. He looked so happy, his eyes squinted and his mouth wide open. His laugh was almost musical, like a simple tune without any chords or backing vocals, just his voice. His laugh. One noise that made me feel like I was on a cloud.

I watched as his eyes landed on me and he jumped, his laughter stopping. "You scared me!" He said, grabbing the remote and turning the TV down. I noticed how he pulled his sleeves over his hands like he was trying to hide his arms. I shook off my thoughts and walked over to sit next to him.

"So what do you want to do today?" I asked. I felt myself get brave, slinging my arm over the back of the couch. Scott tensed and then very suddenly relaxed. I smiled across at him.

"I don't mind as long as it's with you." He whispered, his eyes glued on mine. "I swear, that is the second time I've spoken my mind today! Sorry!" Scott shook his head, frowning.

"Don't be sorry. I was thinking the exact same thing to be honest." I said confidently. Scott smiled again and in the moment I felt his hand move up to my face. I slowly leaned in and pressed my lips against his.

Again, this kiss was amazing. Like nothing I had ever felt before. It made me forget all about my problems. It made my head swim. It made my stomach leap. It made my heart pound. It made me feel safe and warm.

I never wanted to stop this kiss. I felt my hand loop around to Scott's neck, pulling him closer to me. My lips and hands and whole body seemed to be tingling. Like I had just been shocked by an electric wire.

Scott slowly broke away from me but not fully, only to catch his breath. "Alex?"

"Scott?" We both said at the same time, causing both of us to giggle. I had a feeling we both had the same thing in mind but I wanted to be the one to ask.

"You can go first." Scott said, pressing his forehead against mine.

"W-will you go out with me?" I stuttered. My heart was slamming against my chest. This could all go very wrong very quickly. Mitch said be careful, he's fragile. I still didn't know what that meant but God I didn't want to break him. I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't know if this would hurt him or not.

Scott giggled, leaning in to kiss me again. That answered my question and I relaxed again. "Of course I will." Scott whispered against my lips.

Our day continued with watching movies and making out and then ordering food and making out and talking and making out. I had never felt so happy. Until, I put my foot right in the door.

"Scott, I was going to ask. I went round to your apartment yesterday and Mitch answered. He told me that you weren't in the right state of mind to talk to me. I was just wondering was everything okay?" I asked and I immediately felt an air of awkwardness fall over us.

Scott put down his slice of pizza and turned to face me, his legs crossed. He looked down at his lap and then up at me. Then back down at his lap again. I felt my breathing become heavy. "You don't have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable." I told him. His head snapped up again.

"No, I need to tell you. I want to tell you." He whispered. I nodded, feeling him slip his hand into mine. It was weird, we had only just made it official but this holding hand thing felt one hundred per cent normal and like my hand belonged in his.

"Where do I start?" He asked. He took a deep breath and then began to talk. "About four years ago I started to have mood swings the size of China. Some days I would be so low and sad and other days I would feel happy but never like when I was a kid. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to see anyone. I heard voices. Voices that controlled me, took over my life. They told me I was worthless and shouldn't be here. I began to cut myself. It was the only pain that stopped my emotional pain. Nothing was good in life. Everything made me scared or sad or anxious. Life wasn't worth all of the pain. Then I planned it.... I planned to-to kill myself. I wrote a note, it was so well planned. I was sat on the floor of my bathroom in my parents house. I had the bottle of pills in my hand. I was ready to go. I swallowed one, two, three. Suddenly, the door was busted open and someone was holding me. Calling 911. Taking me to a hospital. It was Mitch. He stopped me. He saved me." Scott stopped for breath and then swallowed. I wiped the loose tears from my face, still engrossed in his story.

"That day I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was given a shit ton of pills. Pills that would soon control my life. I have never really lived a normal life since then. I've had to deal with the anxiety attacks and the extremely hard belts of depression. Along with the invasive fans and the amazing people who have supported us." He looked up at me and breathed again.

"Yesterday, I can't really explain. It's a day when even the pills don't work. It's another day in the life of me and I can't stop them. I understand if you think that I'm a freak and want me to leave right now..." I looked at him and shook my head vigorously!

"Of course I don't want you to leave. You're still the same person to me. I just know another detail about your life. An important detail." I told him. He smiled through his tears and I gently leaned in, wiping each one off of his face. I connected our lips and felt myself melt.

"Thank you for understanding." He whispered against my lips. I connected our lips again, kissing him passionately. Trying to portray all of my feelings in this one kiss.

This changed nothing. It just made me love him even more!