Beyond Words

Fourth

My Zaira Leigh,

I started researching about the disease you had — Cervical Cancer. Even I, can't imagine you going over the symptoms that you went through. I blame myself for not being with you when you encounter those times. I really wish I was not blinded about it. I can't even imagine you going over those symptoms.

I'm sorry, wife. I am so sorry.

I didn't became the husband you want me to be. Over the years, my eyes, ears and heart were close because of anger. It also hits me when I remembered what Aubrey said to me.

 "You know what, Xander, mas malala pa nga ang ginawa mo sa kanya noon — you hurt her physically, emotionally...para nga siyang mamamatay na nang dahil sa mga pinag-ga-gawa mo noon. Pero, ano'ng ginawa sa kabila ng lahat ng sakit na ginawa mo sa kanya? Pinatawad ka niya. Tinanggap ulit. Sa kabila ng kasinungalingan, pasakit at pag-ta-traydor...pinatawad niya tayo. Hindi ko lang maintindihan ay kung bakit isang pagkakamali niya — oo, cheating is too common in married lives. Hindi mo nakita ang side na naging guilty siya dahil iniwan niya si Austin biglaan? Xander, anim na taon silang magkasama noon — masaya.

Zaira really is an ideal woman for men. Pero, ikaw ang pinili niya. Minahal. Pinagsilbihan. At higit sa lahat...siya ang pinakamalakas na babaeng nakilala ko. Would you imagine? She had a miscarriage, pero, tinaggap niya 'yon dahil alam niyang doon kayo magiging masaya. Naging matatag na babae siya para sa inyo — sa pamilya niyo."

 Those were kept in my mind for days. I didn't have the chance to speak anymore because those were like stabbed in my soul by a thousand of knives. I was stunned by what she said. I realized many things and blame myself even more.

Wasted time. Wasted moments. Wasted love. I really want to have a chance to control time, wife. If that happens, I swear I will go back to the time when I will not leave for Germany.

—X.M. Del Valle