Beyond Words

Twentieth

My Zaira Leigh,

I dreamed of you—well, I always do. Napapaginipan ko ang mga imposibleng nang mangyari. Kahit papaano, umaasa ako na mangyayari ang lahat ng 'yon. Kahit papaano, hindi pa rin ako nawalan ng pag-asa kahit na wala nang basehan ang mga bagay na gusto ko pa sanang mangyari. 

Totoo sana ang lahat ng 'yon...

If ever we will be complete family up until now, I will be very contented just to by your side, wife. You know, just watching the kids and we will held each other's hands and saying sweet words that will make you smile because I love seeing you smile sincere that it can never be replaced. 

Gusto ko rin sanang sabay nating makita na makamit nila ang mga pangarap nila sa buhay. Gusto ko din sanang dumating 'yung panahon na tumanda tayo tapos tayong dalawa na lang ang nasa bahay kung saan tayo nag-simula ng panibago natin. I recall most of our precious memories in this house, wife—I know this is where we started anew as husband and wife and being the parents of our kids. 

Sa bawat sulok ng bahay na ito, may naiisip ako. 

Kahit gabing-gabi na ay parati mo na lang ako sinasalubong sa may pintuan at bubuhatin ang suit case ko at tinitimplahan ako ng kape. Kinakamusta mo ako pagdating sa may kusina at nakahanda na rin doon ang pagkain ko. You would tell me about your day, kahit na nakikita mong halos hindi ako nakikinig sa 'yo. But believe it or not wife... I've been wanting to hear your stories again. The reason why I will eat too slow it's because I will wait until your story will end. Nakikinig lang ako, ang sarap kasing pakinggan ang boses mo, asawa ko. 

I remember during weekends, you would go to the garden and happily water the plants without any help. Tuwing Sabado at Linggo, o 'di kaya'y kapag wala akong pasok sa opisina ay tinitignan kita parati sa may hardin. You just don't know how your body glows in the morning, and I think I have fallen in love once again with you, Zaira. Sometimes, you would just read books and sip coffee also. 

All the while, I was just observing you. It's ironic I know but we're on the same house but I was just looking at you from a distance. I will just watch you from doing things for me. Sa mga panahon na 'yon, hindi ko alam kung ano'ng klaseng bawi ang pwedeng kong magawa sa 'yo. But that scene still came back like a tidal wave. It makes a strong impact that is holding everything back. My possessive side hits me. 

Sa ngayon... gusto ko na lang dumating ang araw na susunduin mo na ako. I wanted to be with you again, gusto ko na kitang makasama at kapag dumating na ang araw na 'yon, palagi ko nang sasabihin kung gaano kita kamahal. I longed for your presence, Zaira. Alam kong matatagalan ang araw na 'yon pero makakapaghintay ako. 

Paano nga ba maibsan ang lungkot na wala ka sa tabi ko, Zaira?

But as the years go on... I knew you were hiding something from me—from us your family, and I just... can't figure out what it is. Bukod sa sakit mo na matagal mong itinago sa amin, alam kong may iba pa. Hindi ko hinayaan ang sarili ko na malaman ko kasi gusto kong ikaw mismo ang mag-sabi. Zaira, kahit ano pa 'yan, handa akong tanggapin—handa naming tanggapin. I hope one of your letters will reveal to me what you are hiding... gusto kong dumating ang panahon na malaman ang tungkol doon. Alam kong wala ka nang lakas ng loob sabihin sa akin ng personal 'yon pero, sana malaman ko.

Sa bawat araw na lumipas sinasabi ko na kaya ko. Mahirap ang wala ka sa tabi namin, pero nakikita ko kung gaano kami katatag sa mga araw na lumilipas. I knew Larzene would miss the milk that you always prepare for her every time before she will fall asleep. And knowing Lexus, would miss your singing voice that is also the last thing I will hear before I sleep too. 

Feeling this emptiness in my heart but I knew I was never lonely because you were always watching me. 

I love you...

—X.M. Del Valle