09.28.23
3:51 pm
As I sit in the library contemplating the biggest mistake I've ever made, I realize now that I have to move on. I have to let him go. I have to let this fantasy of accepting him go. I think I'm holding onto him because I don't think I'll get anybody better.
But that's the thing. I know God has someone 10 times better out there. I know that God has the one for me ready, but I'm not ready. I'm waiting around for something that will never happen. I'm ruining everything by being driven by my emotions.
I'm allowing my emotions to guide me and it's taking me down the wrong path. I'm seeing all these people around me in happy Christian relationships. I'm seeing them getting engaged and moving forward together in God. And I'm jealous.
I sit here and wonder when will it be my turn. When is it going to happen to me? God you told me I'd have that. God, you said you have the one prepared for me. But how can I expect God to give me anything when I can't give him what he wants?
God wants my obedience. God wants my heart. God wants me to be different. He wants me to set an example. But how can I do that when I'm running in the complete opposite direction?
God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being who you need me to be. I'm sorry God for not doing the things you need me to do. I'm sorry for ruining my path. I'm sorry for allowing my stupid desires to get the best of me.
God I want that husband. I want that relationship with you and with my partner. I want to wait again till marriage. I no longer want to fornicate (have sex outside of marriage). I want to save those parts for you and my husband.
God I want to get closer to you. God, I need your help. I don't want it. I NEED IT. God, you're the only one who can take me out of this. God, you're the only one who can do it for me. So I'm begging you, God. Make the difference in me. God have your way.
I'm done. I'm done fighting your will. I'm done being desperate for attention. I'm done settling for less. I'm done ruining your plans God. I'm giving my entire self to you. God, I don't wanna go to hell. God I don't want to live a meaningless life. I want everything I do to have meaning my God.
Have mercy on me, God. My prayer is that your presence lives in me and through me. God I want it all. Every last bit of your presence. Please God help me today, tomorrow, and forever. 🦋
YOU ARE READING
trying to feel better
Romancethese are all true thoughts and feelings. they belong to me and I've decided to share them with you. in hopes that i will one day feel better. most of these will be about a boy. and the rest will be about me. please be kind.
