trying to feel better

day 993

02.15.23
12:22 am

He has a girlfriend. He's in a relationship. He's doing the thing he felt he couldn't do with me. He's giving someone what he felt he couldn't give me. He's being something to someone that I always wanted.

It's like the ultimate betrayal.

There's no coming back from this. I can't come back from this. I refuse to be his friend ever again cause the heartbreak is too strong. He makes me feel unworthy of love. Like I'm not good enough for a relationship.

He texted me this morning giving me a heads-up that he made it official with the new girl. It took him a few weeks to realize he wanted a relationship with her. It took him 2 years to just up and leave everything we had.

2 years wasted on him. I lost my virginity to this asshole. for 2 years and he felt he wasn't ready for a relationship. 2 years and he felt he couldn't give me what I deserved. 2 years and all he did was use me.

I hate him. There's no other feeling.

When I got that text my heart shattered. He's a liar. His words sound amazing but his actions reveal his true self and I hate him. I hate my best friend. I texted him back and said we're not best friends but good for you.

And that hurt him. It stung and I'm glad it did. He complained to his mom so I know it hurt his feelings. But I'm done. I'm tired of being portrayed as the bad guy. I'm always the one to admit to what I said or did but he never admits to his shit.

I'm not the bad guy. I'm not the villain. He told me he wanted to have a relationship. He said he was ready for that. He said his feelings for me were stronger than what he felt for her.

SO WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

How did this go from zero to one hundred? How did he realize he wanted her and not me?

It's a shitty feeling when someone constantly fills your head with promises that in the end are all empty words. Words that hold no weight. Words that mean nothing. Words that later on will haunt you.

I'm done. I'm over it. I can't keep fighting him. I refuse to keep going back and forth with him. I just want him to leave me alone and forget about me. Let me love my life in peace. But how can I do that when I still have to see and interact with him?

I love God and I know that this is all a part of a bigger purpose. But it hurts. The process is painful and I don't how much longer I can take it. I don't understand how this could be happening to me. What did I do to deserve this?

It's hard. But God I'm trusting in you. Trusting your word and knowing that my faith is all on you.