epiphany / jean kirstein

six

I'm used to not getting much sleep. Being a Scout means unexpected missions that last days. However, the lack of rest still affects me, no matter how much Marleyan coffee I drink. My insomnia forces me to function on nothing. So when I do have the opportunity to sleep, my body doesn't let me. It's so used to being active for days.

Recently we've been having warm days and cool nights. Perfect weather. I know the wind in my eyes is the only thing that could potentially put me to sleep. So I decided to make the walk up to the rooftop. I changed into a simple pair of pants and dark green sweater, and quickly and quietly headed up. It wasn't just my insane routine keeping me up. I also had about a million thoughts in my head. About Sasha, my parents, whom I miss more than anyone, and about whether or not all this shit will really be worth it.

Once there, I leaned against the railing and stared up at the midnight sky. It was peaceful. I find it important to take in the calm moments while I can. There was a slight breeze which made my eyes water just a little. It didn't take long to become drowsy. But I wasn't just gonna leave immediately.

"Emmy?" A familiar voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I turned around to see Jean, wearing soft looking black pants and a long sleeved red shirt. He looked comfortable, almost cute. It was rare to see anyone out of uniform anymore.

"Hey, Jean." I smiled. Though it was so dark and he was so far I doubt he could see it. "Couldn't sleep?"

He walked up to me and shook his head.

"Me neither, thought some fresh air might help."

He stood close to me, hands in his pants pockets. His mullet was slightly disheveled, and he smelled like chocolate. "It usually does, for me at least." I could see faint bags under his eyes in the moonlight. Though I won't comment on that. I know for sure I have matching ones.

I let out a heavy sigh, bordering on a groan, and turn my head up to look at him. "Do you ever have any regrets about all this?" I ask bluntly.

He was quiet for a moment, thinking. "Yes. Sometimes I still wish I joined the Military Police, even though they're all lazy assholes. And sometimes I wish I never even joined the Cadet Corps." He went quiet again. Then, "But if being a Scout means helping put a stop to this cycle of hatred, then it's worth it."

He had the same thoughts I did. I joined because I wanted to be a hero. I wanted my name to mean something. Even if it was only to a few people. "I know what you mean. I'm glad I was able to meet and befriend all of you guys. But if I wasn't, I wouldn't be so distraught over Sasha. Truthfully, now that she's gone my hope for the rest of us surviving is slim to none." No one knows how this war will end. I could die, Jean could die. Hell, all of us could die. Years ago, I would've tried to stay optimistic. But I can't lay a wager on my life for something as childish as hope anymore.

Before I knew it, tears started welling in my eyes. The mere mention of Sasha was enough to break my heart all over again. "Fuck." I said, wiping my eyes as quickly as I could. Jean may be one of my closest friends, but he's only seen me cry a handful of times. I'd like to keep it that way.

"We gotta win this for her, Emmy. Think of how proud she'll be. Think of how proud she already is." He put his hand on my shoulder and rubbed gently. It burned. I wonder if he can feel how tense I just got. "We should probably go get some sleep. Big day tomorrow." He's right, at noon tomorrow we're heading to the restaurant Nicolo works at. We have to question every POW about Eren. I doubt Nicolo was involved in any of this, but we have to be sure.

I nod, and Jean walks me back to my room.

☆

Once there, he walked in with me and shut the door, so no one would hear us say goodnight.