Just What I Needed

August 28

"I'd love to," Barb allowed my dad to lead her over to the clearing on the beach where others had started to dance.

"Well, it looks like your dad might have found just what he needed," Kari popped a candy into her mouth.

"Kari! Those are for our guests!"

I was glad that my dad seemed to be hitting it off with Barb tonight. Standing in this booth with Holly and Kari made me realize that I was a completely different person than I was in the spring, when we lost Nicky and my mom. I used to think it was just me who lost everything but my dad did too. And he struggled with it differently but just as much as I did.

In the course of the summer, I've learned how to be grateful for everything, everyone and every moment. We never know what we have until it is gone.

"What are you thinking about?" Holly hugged me and rested her head on my shoulder.

"Have you ever just stopped to think about how life has these strange twists and turns and you become someone you never thought you'd be capable of becoming?" I lived for so long under the shadow of Nicky that I didn't bother to form my own identity. I was just Jordy, Nicky's twin sister. And I was ok with that. I would have been ok to live like that for the rest of my life.

But we can't change the past, we can only move forward in order to grow. The process of growth is not an easy one though. That's why they call them growing pains. It's hard and it's messy and it hurts. A lot. And often those growing pains are not a voluntary choice, but we must go through the process anyway.

Holly nodded without saying a word, just squeezed her hug a little tighter. Kari came around the other side and we stood huddled in a three-way hug.

"Can I get in on this?"

I spun around so fast that Holly and Kari nearly whipped off of me from the momentum.

"Nate! What are you doing here?!"

"Well you spent so much time putting this together that I had to drive back to see how it turned out. Plus, I haven't seen you in two weeks. I couldn't wait for school to start to see you next week."

I ran around the booth and grabbed onto his shirt and kissed him.

"Get a room!" Holly threw a jellybean at us.

"Why don't you two crazy kids go for a walk. You haven't had a break yet tonight anyway," Kari winked at us.

Nate and I walked together to the area of the beach where couples were dancing.

"Look who it is," my dad saw us approaching.

"I just couldn't stay away from this pretty little town. There's something that just keeps drawing me back," Nate shook his hand.

As Nate stood there catching up with my dad, I scanned his face. He looked so much more mature than the townie boys. Never once throughout the summer did he give up on me, despite my anger management issues and tantrums.

"I got something for you," Nate said as we left my dad and Barb to dance and continued to walk along the boardwalk. We reached a quiet spot at the edge of the festivities and he pulled a small jewelry box out of his pocket and handed it to me.

I looked at him puzzled.

"Just open the box."

I removed the cover off the small white box to find the most perfect small scallop seashell I had ever seen set into resin and attached to a sterling silver necklace.

"This is beautiful!" I pulled the necklace out of the box. "Where did you find it?"

"I made it," Nate replied.

"You made this?" I was pleasantly surprised and somehow, I just knew it was a gift from Nicky. Nate couldn't possibly have known the significance of it but I had an immediate flashback of Nicky and I collecting shells on the beach.

Nicholas heard my invitation to be here in spirit and now I knew he had arrived. It was like he had orchestrated everything and this was his final "You're welcome."

The deep pain of survivor's guilt can create a debilitating fear that makes you crumble under the weight of it or it can make you savour and appreciate what you still have left.

Survivor's gratitude can turn a routine day into great day and make small moments feel like big blessings and tonight I was feeling incredibly blessed.

Nicky once quoted Havelock Ellis to me, "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on," and I think I may have just figured out the meaning of that under the stars tonight.

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Thank you so much for coming on this journey! I hope you enjoyed Jordan's story. I'll be preparing another story for NaNoWriMo. I hope you'll check back as I post the sections for that story too.