Why I HATE the Color GREEN.

'thinking about him.' {C.14}

We broke up again, damn. I was a fool for believing something would ever work out between me and him. Why?? Why did I EVER believe his bullshit? Especially after everything that he's done to me...? Why. Just why.

I'm not mad at him, I'm mad at myself. I hate myself.
I understood why he broke up with me, I really do... and it was my fault. I should've kept quiet about my problems, not told him about any of it... and he said "I want to help you."

... but it's to late. we're done. we're over. we won't ever get back together.

I just don't get why he had to do it on a Monday morning before school.

I tried to fix things afterwards, but nope, it didn't work.

"so we're breaking up?"

"Yea."

but, i wasn't... upset about it. not then at least, not at the time it happened. i was normal. i said i love you to him one last time and he said "Ew". that's what breaks me now. that's what breaks my heart.

and he promised that he wouldn't break up with me. he promised me that he loved me... no. he didn't just, promise.

he pinky promised.

even he said that breaking a pinky promise is the worst thing you could do to someone, well, guess who needs to learn how to take his own advice.

no, stop. i'm not mad at him. i'm mad at myself. i can't be mad at him.

"Me and Carson broke up" i tell all of my friends, they all look at me with frowns on their faces while i just smile nervously at them. they all hugged me outside of the school, being surrounded by all those people trapped in a hug is weird. i didn't cry about the breakup, but being hugged now... it makes me want to. and i feel the tears start to fall down my cheeks a bit, but i wipe them. it's not fair...

    but i know crying over him isn't worth it.
it was a mutual agreement. we both agreed to break up.

   we knew that there wasn't a chance for us, we knew that no matter how hard we tried we tried it wouldn't work. i think i'll live.

But, remember... do not forget what "we" can't forgive.

    he is not one of "us". he never was. he has never been good enough. he's never been... normal. never been an actual "human" being like everyone else.

An outrage!

       he's a monster, he's a liar, he ruins peoples lives for fun. not only once, he lied to us. everyone. all of us. his exes.

     he is not one of us. a normal person. someone who's... someone who is actually... human. someone who feels emotion, someone who gets people. he's a disgrace. such a disgrace.

             a disgrace that kid is.

Let him run from his problems. Let him live a care free life. But, don't ever forget what we can't forgive.

he has never been normal like all of us!

god, i sound like myself a while ago. i swore i wasn't mad or angry, but as i look at his friends and walk into this horrid school... i can only think about everything he did to me.

i'm ok with it now though.
i can't be mad forever. i know i can't.

       but if i can't be mad... i'm still gonna remember him. i'm gonna think about him.

elijah.
he's cute.
i missed his smile and stupid laugh. the blush that came over his face when he looked at me... his dark chocolate eyes staring into my ocean blue eyes and we snap out of the eye contact to laugh more.

the way he does almost anything i ask him to do.

we're supposed to go to a haunted house together! i love haunted houses... and scary things, especially fall and Halloween.

oh. right. me and Carson, we were supposed to last until October. that's what i wanted.

"can we at least last until October?"

apparently not. apparently we aren't good enough for each other.

and that haunted house! carson was supposed to go with us, but now he can't. he already knows what day i'm going because i wanted him to go with me, i wanted him to go on dates with me.

now we can't. because of me.

second period.

i'm sick and tired of hearing the voices of carsons friends. i have a "friend" named Collin. we have a joke that he's my kid, and carson's the dad.

so no matter what, i'm always gonna be reminded of carson.

at lunch elijah's friend, ginger, well, aden but ginger is his nickname, said "I know you were lying to me! You guys are dating!" when Elijah tied my shoe... it was, weird.
does Elijah still like me?

he said that he "Hated when people say we're dating for no reason." but, maybe he just doesn't want people to know.

he said that to me before. he doesn't want two people to know. i'd be ok with that, people are always involved with relationships.

a private relationship. where nobody is jealous, nobody is worried about the other one cheating... just us.

just two people who have each other and nobody else.

To be fair, I don't remember much from Monday. It's hard to remember.

I finally cried about everything at 11 pm in my room by myself. I finally let the tears run down my cheeks and I let my breathing hitch.

I hate Mondays now, as if I already didn't, and it had to be right before school. Monday before school, fourth day of school.
Perfect time to do it. Beginning of the school year... leaving me to not be happy. That's okay though.

I laugh about it now. I don't cry. It's not worth it, it's not worth all of the crying.

I'm a new person, a better person. I'm fine without him, I have more options anyways.
I have people I can talk to, plus, I don't even need a partner.

Maybe I just need a break from dating... or maybe I'm just giving up on the whole idea.

I'm okay with that.

oh. my. god. why is he so cute?!? why do i love him?? he's so... ugly. why am i thinking about him?

he acts like he cares about me so much.
and i care about him.

i lo-... like him. it's way too early to say "I love you" to him... or just about him. he can't know about it, he's gonna hate me if i ever told him about it again.

he might just ignore me. forever. he's already ignoring all my texts, that's fine though. we're not dating.

ugh, i'm gonna stay up late...

thinking about him.

thinking about.. ew. carson.

thinking about how much i love them.