Why I HATE the Color GREEN.

'silence.' {C.15}

when ronin, carson's cousin said that he liked me... it felt like the world stopped spinning. it got... quiet, almost. it felt like the chatter from everyone around me slowed and went into a dark silence.
     nobody moved. nobody spoke. it was..
quiet.

      the world stopped spinning.
people stopped walking.
     people stopped talking.
        people stopped laughing.
          teachers stopped instructing.
            teachers stopped yelling.
              teachers stopped writing.
     
                   everything stopped.

i smiled. i liked ronin SO MUCH. my heart kind of healed itself from all the damage that it's dealt with.

   so you know what i said?
"..i kinda like you too."
  and i blushed. i smiled and laughed and-..
i felt like there was a future for me and ronin.

but that's me. "little miss lover girl".
    loving people to hard.
            not getting the love i deserve back.

it's ruined.
     i guess i can't be mad at him.
not for long anyways.
       
     he said it was because of "another girl"... which is ok. I don't care.

i just hope she is as pretty as me, as nice as me, as caring as me, as understanding as me, as reliable as me... and-.. maybe i do care.

maybe i still care so much about him.
  even if we weren't meant to love one another.

that's ok. i mean, i care. i care that there was another girl, but at the same time i just... don't.

     it's fine that he left me, but it's not at the same time.

it's ok.

people don't seem to notice if you're not ok, until you give up.

       they seem to not care until you're sobbing your eyes out in a school hallway.

they seem to not worry about someone who is seemingly "normal."

       they don't worry when there's no other expression on their face besides worry and sadness.

they don't seem to care.

they never will.

they never did.

people only ask if you're ok until you cry.
they only notice once you're sad.

they only notice once you can't deal with anything in life anymore.

   now that it's happened to me, i just sit in the quiet hallway.

i'm waiting.

waiting for the tears to stop falling down my face so i can do what i need to do.

i mean sure it's fine.

now i'm waiting for the drama club rehearsals to start... right. drama club.

those two words remind me SO MUCH of "him."
the person i swore off on mentioning for the rest of my life.

he doesn't deserve it. he.. he. it's almost ALWAYS about him. everything is ruined because of HIM.

i just want to be a normal human being.
why can't I be?

        it seems like i can never be "normal"
i have to cry, i have to express my emotions somehow.