ISHQ IBADAT

۱ • his letter

Jaan-e-Maah

Ab tumhe meri zindagi se gaye hue 5 saal hone wale hain. Aur pichhle unn saalon se main tumhari mohabbat ki bechaini mein jee raha hoon.

Meri badkismati hai ke tumhare jaane ke baad iss mohabbat ka ehsaas hua aur jab tak hua, bahot der ho chuki thi, tum jaa chuki thi.. meri zindagi se, iss shehar se, iss mulk se.. bas mere dil se nahin gayi, tumhe yahan se bhi chale jana chahiye tha.. Kyun mujhe aziyat mein chhorh gayi?

Maine tumhe dhoondhne ki koshish thi..haan par zyada nahin ki.. main jaanta hoon tumne yeh mulk meri wajah se chhorha warna tum apni family ko chhorh kar jaane ka soch bhi nahin sakti thi.. tumhe mujhse dur jaana tha tou main kaise tumhare peeche aa jata.

Tumhare saath kiye suluq ki taqleef pichhle 5 saalon se mujhe bechain kiye hui hai. Main tumhara gunehgaar hoon, tumhare dil ki qadr nahin ki maine isliye shayad ab mere ehsaas ki qadr nahin rahi.

Main tumhari tamanna mein har roz marta hoon.. tadapta hoon.. tumhe apne dil-o-dimaagh se nikalne ki bohot koshish karta hoon par tum jaati hi nahin.. apni jagah pe qayam rehti ho aur mujhe satati ho..

Main tumhare masoom se chehre ko eik baar phir se dekhna chahta hoon, tumhari pyaari hasi ki awaaz sunna chahta hoon, tumhari khushghawar muskurahat aur bolti aankhein..!

Mujhe nahin pata mujhe tumse kab aur kaise itni mohabbat ho gayi. Shayad mera Rabb tumhari mohabbat ki shaql mein mere gunahon ki saza de raha hai..

Mere paas sab kuch hai bas sukoon nahin hai.. tum nahin ho.. haan, aur ab mom bhi nahin hain.

Tumne baddua di thi na mujhe ke eik din main bohot akela ho jaunga, mere paas koi nahin rahega.. lo, qubool ho gayi. Ab aisa koi nahin raha jisse main apne dil ka haal bayaan kar sakoon. Mom bhi chali gayeen aur unke jaane ke baad ab main bilkul akela ho chuka hoon.

Ab dad ki bhi tabiyat sahi nahin rehti, unhe apni baaton se pareshan nahin karna chahta main aur agar batana chahoon bhi tou kya kahoonga.. apni ghaltiyaan sunanon? phir main unse nazarein kaise milaunga..

Dado ab mujhe shaadi ka kehne lageen hain, ab tum hi batao yeh kaise mumkeen hai? Tumhare alawa main kisi ka khayal bhi apne dil mein nahin la sakta.. Pehle mujhe ehsaas nahin tha par tab bhi sirf tum hi thi aur aaj bhi sirf tum hi ho.

Meri badghumani ki inteha tou dekho, main iss tarah tumhara intezaar karta hoon jaise tum kisi moujze ki tarah mere paas laut aaogi aur meri ho jaogi.. par mein duaaein maangta hoon, tumhare liye.. humare liye..

Tumhe paane ki dua'a maangne mein mujhe sharam aati hai par main kabhi kabhi besharam ban jata hoon.. kya karoon dil ke haathon majboor hoon aur waise bhi Allah ke liye tou kuch bhi namumkin nahin hai na.. shayad koi moujza ho jaye.. shayad..

Waqt beet'ta jaa raha hai aur meri chahat badhti jaa rahi hai.. yeh khayal humesha rehta hai ke tum ab kaisi hogi, kya karti hogi, badal gayi hogi ya nahin.. tumhari zindagi mein kya ab koi aur- nahin..

Agar tum mujhse puchhna chahti ho ke mere aas-paas phirne wali woh saari ladkiyan kahan hain tou tumhe pehle hi bata doon ke tumhari dastak ke saath hi maine apne dil ke saare darwaze band kar diye the..

Ab main badal gaya hoon, tumhari mohabbat ke sadqay.. tumhe yaqeen nahin aayega par main waqayi badal gaya hoon. Ab mere paas waqt hi nahin rehta aur jo bhi waqt bachta hai woh tumhari yaadon mein guzar jaata hai.

Kya tum mujhe maaf kar sakti ho? Kya tum mujhe maaf karogi? Kya tumhe mujhse nafrat hai? Ya phir aaj bhi mujhse mohabbat-

Shayad aaj bhi..
Karti ho na?
Mere paas laut aaogi na?