Impostor Syndrome

Chapter 19: On The Run

Anne jolted awake as her phone rang. Jen's number. "Hello?" she asked in alarm.

Jen, crying and breathing hard, said, "He was here or someone was!"

"What?!? Are you okay?"

The girls were up now too, staring wide-eyed.

Jen was close to hyperventilating, but managed to say, "We're okay, the dogs got him and he ran off, but there's blood and I thought they were hurt!"

"But they're okay?"

"Yeah." Her breathing slowed. "I think he was looking for the girls because he said he wasn't here for us."

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck... "And...you couldn't tell if it was Will?"

"It was dark and I think he was wearing a mask. The dogs got him and he ran off before I could get the light on. That's when I saw the blood."

"Okay. Um...okay."

"I'm fine," Jen said. "This is just the after-effects; you know how it is."

"How's Mel?"

"She's upset. She's hugging Cerberus. I gotta talk to Joel, get better locks."

"Yeah, do you know how he got in?"

"Front door. He ran out of it, left it swinging. Gonna call the police after, but I thought you should know. If he came here..."

"It's only a matter of time before he comes here," Anne agreed. "But you're not hurt? Mel's not hurt?"

"No. Shaken up. Brings back memories, and I thought he was gonna go after Mel, but I'm okay. Please be safe."

"We will. Call the cops, get some rest. I'm glad everyone's okay. I'm sorry I dragged you into this."

"Don't be. I would have punched him if the dogs hadn't gotten him first. I'm just crying because you know why."

Anne and Jen both grew up crying whenever they felt strong emotion. Both had been shamed for it, called everything from too sensitive to manipulative. Anne had adapted through numbness over background stress or swearing at frustrating machines, programs, or situations–often to a fault. Jen had once been told by a teacher that her crying was a "superpower". She'd developed an ability not to keep from crying initially but to stop immediately when needed, such as talking to a customer over the phone, or even to do it on demand.

Anne knew from growing up with her younger brother that boys did indeed receive shame for crying. But she also knew that girls did too, and that while lots of people, both women and men, expressed sympathy for men due to having been shamed for crying as boys, women were often shamed for it well into adulthood, while men were praised for being honest and sensitive. Thus Anne and Jen were in the awkward position of finding it difficult to keep from crying but feeling intense shame for doing so. Anne coped through attempted avoidance, Jen through honing it into something she could do at will if she chose, even if it frequently happened against her will.

"Yeah," Anne said. "Glad you're all okay. I'm gonna let Liss know."

"Okay," Jen said. "I'll let you know if they catch him."

They said their goodbyes and Anne knocked on Liss and Robbie's bedroom door.

She brought them all up to speed on what Jen had told her.

"If he wants us, why wouldn't he just call the cops?" Della asked. "Like has he even called you?"

"No," Anne said. "And he hasn't responded to the text I sent him."

"But no one knows you're here except Jen, though, right?" Liss asked.

"If it's Will, he already knows you're my best friend. If it's not Will, he still knows a lot. It might take a few days or a few weeks, but at some point he's going to find us, and he could always just ask my mom who my close friends are, and there's a good chance she'd tell him. And the only ones she knows about are Andrea, whom I haven't talked to in decades, and you."