All's Fair in Love and Las Vegas

Chapter Eighty-Nine

        "Kylie, that's a federal offense," I sighed.

        "I am willing to go to jail for your relationship!" she cried. "Doesn't that show how much it means to me? How much it means to Grayson?"

        "No, it just means you're stupid and lucky I won't have you arrested," I replied, taking a fistful of pretzels.

        She shook her head and pulled out the sheet of paper, grinning at the opening. "He calls you Jacks?"

        "I'm not reading it," I said calmly, ignoring her question.

        "Fine. 'Dear Jacks–'"

        I clamped my hands over my ears, going, "LA, LA, LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

        Soon the yelling overlapped so much that neither of us understood a word coming out of the other person's mouth. Defeated, Kylie dropped the letter on the table and said, "At least tell me you'll consider reading it."

        "I will consider it," I said truthfully. I would probably arrive at the exact same conclusion that I had right now, but I had to give her some form of hope.

        "Thank you," she said, much calmer and more satisfied.

        Later that night, after she had gone home and I was getting ready for bed, I glanced at the letter again. I shouldn't read it. It would just stir up feelings and choices and guilt. But...who would ever know if I read it? Besides, Grayson had sent it to me with the intention of having me read it. 

        With a colossal sigh, I picked up the letter and headed upstairs, figuring that it would be good to at least prepare myself by being cozy in bed. I crawled under the covers and flicked open the folded paper. It looked heavily creased in several places, like Grayson had been setting it beneath heavy objects all week. Or the mailman had driven over it, but that was unlikely.

        My heart constricted at the Dear Jacks that Kylie had read earlier. I missed being Jacks. Except Jacks was special, a name specific to the caring relationship. So Jacks had just been another deception, and apparently still was one. It dawned on me that I'd never managed to choose a nickname for him. Maybe that was a good thing.

        Dear Jacks,

        I hope this letter finds you well and in good health. I know you don't really want to hear from me, but I didn't get to say everything. I didn't get to say goodbye either. So please, if you continue reading, just try to keep an open mind.

        I understand how it all looks. Vegas was by far the greatest mess I've ever landed myself in. I still don't remember any of it, other than the descriptions Kylie has given us. We agreed that it was temporary. We agreed it wasn't real. I can't ever repay you for what you've done for me, yet I've managed to dig myself deeper into the hole. We planned and calculated for so long, it was all working out.

        Then Everlie happened. As much as neither of us want to talk about it, as much as it hurts, I have to. We never really got time to process it, that we were having a child. I think that's why it hurt so much. We didn't know whether to feel joy or anxiety or sadness or what. When we lost her, that was all we could see: how awful it was. Her future, our future, didn't exist for long enough.

        While you were unconscious in the hospital, after your surgery, I had a lot of time to myself. It probably wasn't good for me, to be honest. That's when I realized that we couldn't be faking. That it was impossible. We were playing with people's lives here, mostly our own. Our daughter was never fortunate enough to have a life, but we were out there dancing with fate. Lying. Trying to force the perfect outcome from the most imperfect situation. Before then, I'd liked you, but we were in too deep for me to do anything about it. I knew it would all come back to bite us in the back, which I guess is where we are right now. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened had other things happened. Had we never met in Vegas, where would we be now? If I'd never gotten you pregnant, what would our relationship be like? If Everlie had been born, what would our relationship be like now?

        I don't have the answers. I never will. But I have what I have right now, which isn't much. All I know is that I've messed up. You deserve so much happiness Jackie, but I've hurt you by hiding my feelings and being selfish in my intentions. You were right—we never could work. As much as I love you, it can never work. I should've realized that sooner. Yes, I want a future with you, I want to be by your side forever, but I can't have that. Instead, all I can give you are my apologies. I'm so sorry, Jacks, for all the precious moments I've broken and for keeping my love a secret. I know the end of us was a mess, but I want you to look back someday and remember the happy moments we had. To think of me as a friend, not as an enemy.

        Please remember the Jackie I remember. The one I will always, forever, and eternally love.

                                                                                                                                                 –So much love, Grayson