L O C K -U P | c. leclerc

23| Braking Point

I steeled my breath and looked at my door. I was wishing right now that Charles had stayed behind it but he probably gave up after I shooed him away. It was so hard.

It's too hard for me not to push people away. I've always dealt with problems on my own and I don't know how to share it. Still, Carlos' words rang in my mind.

"Will you be able to live with yourself if he won and you lost when you know deep down...being with him made you lose?"

Fuck, he's getting into my head.

I took my phone from the bedside table and stared at my contact list. I still hadn't deleted Carlos' number.

Fuck.

Should I....but....

My fingers moved before my conscience

Ring....Ring....Ring....

____

Carlos: Mi Hermosa?

Artemis: Please, don't call me that.

Carlos: Then why are you calling me then?

Artemis: Why would you say that to me after qualifying.

Carlos: I was caught up, I'm sorry-

Artemis: But why? After all that you've done, don't you think I deserve some peace.

Carlos: Maybe we should talk in person-

Artemis: No seriously, what is so wrong with you that you want to break my state of mind too?

Carlos: Artemis, stop it. I'm coming over now.

Artemis: You can't, you don't know where I am.

Carlos: Oh please, I used to drive for Ferrari. I know the hotels. I'll find your room-

Artemis: No please, I'll just meet you at the hotel restaurant, I'll book a private area.

Carlos: Alright mi Hermosa, see you in 10.

_____

Fuck, I feel like I'm making a mistake. This feels ridiculous but Lando was right when he stopped me from running crazy on the streets while crying. I should stop burning bridges and maybe start mending them.

Should I tell Charles about it?

No, he'll probably only get upset if I made up some excuse of being out for dinner with a friend. I don't even know how he'd react if I told him why I was so mad at qualifying.

How do you admit to your boyfriend, is he even my boyfriend? We didn't even really talk about it. It just happened. I quickly got myself together and left my room.

For a moment, I looked at Charles' door and walked up to it. All my instinct was telling me to knock but I couldn't.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of being honest about my feelings because I'm scared that he'd judge me. It feels stupid but I am, I don't want him to be disappointed in me.

It took all the strength to walk away from his door and make my way down to the lobby. Every step I took away from his room was weighted and hard. Still, I couldn't say it. I couldn't confess to him how I felt because he might look at me differently.

Finally, as I arrived at the restaurant, I talked to one of the wait staff and they led me to the private area I booked. When I got there, Carlos was already waiting. He looked me up and down and commented, "I'm not used to you turning up in pyjamas Mi Hermosa."

"Stop calling me that please, you know why I'm here," I scolded and he relented and said, "I'm sorry, after everything I've done...I still like you but now I accept your choice."

He gestured for me to sit across him and I did. I took a deep breath and quickly stared my intentions, "I need advice on balancing relationships and racing. You had a long-term relationship before right?"

"Dios mio, I don't want to open that can of worms," he said as he shook his head and downed his drink. Apparently, by the looks of the empty glasses on the table, that would be his third one.

"Please, look I'm offering you a chance to make it up to me and maybe make it up to Charles," I offered and he nodded and said, "Fine, but bear with me. Revisiting the memories is a little painful."

"Okay but how did you show her you cared for her even when the racing got tough?," I asked and Carlos sighed. He took a deep breath and exhaled out slowly. Fuck, I didn't realise it was that hard for him.

"I don't think I cared for her enough, after things got tough. I think the biggest problem was that when my career got tough, I pushed Isa away when I should've let her in," Carlos explained, he then looked at me and said, "You don't need to make the mistake yourself to learn. Learn from mine. Go to him, alright? I'm sorry if I made things complicated. I really am."

"I loved Isa and loving someone is not enough unless you show it," Carlos said as tears pricked her eyes, "I can't get her back anymore after what I'd done. I pushed her away, broke things off and just slept with whoever I wanted. What I should've been doing was fighting for her and being with her."

"Till this day, I regret it. I didn't love her enough. In fact, I forgot to show her I loved her."

He held my hand, not with lust or passion, Carlos just held my hand like a friend as he said, "I messed up a beautiful relationship with Isa. I can never undo it. She understood me and I know Charles is the same for you. I know you feel held back by the the legacy of your grandfather but don't."

"I have a lot of things to fix, I know one of them is my friendship with Charles," Carlos confessed, "I got lost along the way, you don't have to. Now get out of here and go talk to Charles, alright?"

Before I could answer, I heard a camera flash.

"Did you hear that?," I asked and Carlos nodded then said, "Yeah, it's probably just someone taking random pictures."

"I should go, I shouldn't be seen here," I panicked but Carlos grabbed my hand one last time and said, "Artemis, think about what I said okay? Talk to Charles, before it's too late."

I nodded and said, "I'll keep in touch. You should talk to Charles too...before it's too late."

I quickly left the restaurant, wary of any cameras and I made my way back to the floor I was staying in. God, I was fighting with myself on whether I should talk to Charles but I was too nervous.

Being honest to myself was easy, being honest to others was hard. Just as I gathered the courage to knock on his door, my fist inches from the wooden surface, I took a step back. Even with advice I couldn't do it.

I'm a coward.