The Ways You Make Me feel

Chapter 17

            Ariana

            "Honey," my mother called out to me from the door way. "I'm going to the store, do you need anything?"

            All I could do was silently shake my head. My mother looked longingly at me. I felt a bit of remorse. It had been 3 weeks since I got out of the hospital. My mother I were now in New York. She had come to stay with me as I settled back in. The doctors hadn't been able to find anything wrong with my brain. So they concluded it must be a mental block I put in place subconsciously. Their guess, something very painful had happened before I got caught in the storm, having to due with everything and one I 'forgot' and I blocked it out as well as all of them. I couldn't even begin to imagine what. And that nagged at me. It was weird to be able to remember some things and not others, but I was so grateful to be able to remember my schooling. I was able to work out doing online classes to finish what I needed to graduate in a couple months. To which I was very relieved.

            "I'm sorry, mom," I whispered, suddenly looking down at my hands. "I haven't said very much to you. . ."

            I felt guilty because my mother had taken the time off work, and care to come all the way out here to make sure I was okay. But, I didn't have much energy outside of sleeping, eating and working on my classes. I could tell my mother was worried about my mental wellbeing.

            "Sweetie," my mother began, walking into the room and sitting down on the bed. "You don't say or do much outside of eat, sleep and study. . ."

            I remained quiet, not denying any of the proven facts that she was stating.

            "I know you are going through quite a bit." She looked at me sympathetically. "But I can't help but worry about you."

            I nodded my head silently in response. "I'm sorry. I'm trying. . ."

            My mother sighed and got up from my bed. She started making her way to the door. She turned back and looked at me once last time.

            "Are you sure you don't want anything?"

            " No," I answered quietly. The least I could do was respond. "Thank you though. . ."

            "Of course, honey." She smiled back at me to my relief.

            Without another word, my mother left my room, and soon, I heard the front door to my apartment close. Tears filled my eyes as soon as she left. I just began to sob for reasons I couldn't really explain. There was so much going inside of me that I couldn't even really place. Even though I couldn't remember, I could feel something was troubling my soul. In turn, I itched to know what it was.

            I could hear my cellphone buzzing from charging on top of my nightstand. I sighed and stood to my feet, and walked over to it. I grabbed it and looked at the caller ID.

            Chase.

            I groaned in frustration, and threw myself down on my bed, and ignored his call. Their names were all in my phone. Chase. Elizabeth. Jasen even. But not one of their names recalled anything in my memory to do with them. It had been very awkward the day I was able to be released from the hospital. . .

            I dressed a black tee and jeans, excited for this day. I was finally permitted to leave the hospital after two long weeks. I could feel myself slowly going crazy, seeing nothing but the same four white walls each day. The saving grace was when I could stand on my own and was able to take walks along the hospital grounds. The fresh air really helped to soothe me.

            My mother had decided she would fly back with me to my apartment in New York since the doctors had suggested I not live on my own just yet. I wanted to protest, but my mother looked so excited, so I said nothing. I just wanted to get back to my regular life as quickly as possible. I was about graduate college this fall. I wasn't about to let anything stand in my way.

            My mother was making arrangements for us to stay at a hotel for a couple more days then fly out after. Of course there had not been an earlier flight available, much to my dread.

            I heard the door open behind me just as I finished putting on my clothes. I turned around expecting to see a nurse or doctor. Instead, standing before me was 'Rylan.'' Chase.' 'Elizabeth.' And 'Jasen.'

            I just stared back at all of them silently. I had no idea what to say to any of them, so just ended up smiling awkwardly.

            "Still nothing, huh?" "Elizabeth" smiled ruefully in return.

            I shook my head silently.

             "We wanted to give you space since you don't remember any of us," 'Rylan' said. He was smiling, but I could see hidden pain in his eyes. "We were told today you get to be released and had to visit of course."

            I felt bad for all of them. I was apparently a dear childhood friend to them, according to my mother. And then possibly something even more to Chase. And here, I was unable to remember any of it at all, as if they all held no meaning to my life. I, too, would be feeling as bad as they all tried to hide from me.

            "I'm sorry. . ." I whispered.

            "You have nothing to be sorry for!" 'Chase' said with conviction. "None of this is your causing."

            Oddly enough, I saw him look over to 'Jasen' and glare at him. Who was looking down at his feet looking . . . guilty?

            "My mother and I are leaving in two days," I went on to say, softly. "We will be going back to New York."

            'Chase' looked crushed. 'Elizabeth' looked very sadden. 'Jasen' looked heartbroken. 'Rylan' was the only one who managed to keep his possible true feelings hidden with a smile of understanding on his face. There was this longing feeling within me that wanted to go over and embrace them all in a comforting hug, but at this point it didn't seem it would be appropriate, so I ignored it.

           It had been harder to leave them all behind then it should have been. It was like my heart registered what my mind didn't. In turn, leaving me constantly very conflicted. I hadn't spoken to any of them since that day at the hospital. It felt rude but at the same time, I couldn't remember any of them.

With a giant sigh and a heavy heart, I got back up and made my way back over to my desk and collapsed on my chair with a hard thud. None of this even seem to feel right. . .