The Ways You Make Me feel

Chapter 5

            "So, how has your life been?" Elizabeth asked as we walked around one of the many malls of London. "I really missed you."

            Liz had suggested the both of us go out on a "girl's day" to shop for something special to wear for Jasen's concert in the evening. I wasn't huge on shopping for things I didn't need, but it wasn't every day you just got to be in a mall in London, so I agreed to go along. I made a promise to myself to try and catch up with everyone I'd neglected for so long. (Excluding Jasen). He had not said much to me, and I respected the distance between us as needed for my mental sake.

            "I've been really working at getting myself through law school," I answered, looking over a yellow dress that had caught my eye. "This is my last year."

             Elizabeth was glowing with pride at me. "I'm so proud of you!" She took my hand in hers. "You have really worked so hard to be where you're about to be!"

             I looked down at my feet. "Yeah...but at what cost?" I met her gaze once again remorsefully. "I pushed you all away so much..."

            Elizabeth just pulled me into her warm arms. I hugged her back just as tightly to myself. She pulled back after a few moments, her big brown eyes sparkling.

            "Come on" she flipped her spike bob cut black hair out of her eyes. "Let's go sit down and grab something eat after we buy you this yellow dress."

               I was about to protest, but Elizabeth had already grabbed the dress and was making her way to the counter. All I could do was roll my eyes and rush to catch up to her.

            After we had purchased the dress, Liz and I found a small café to sit and grab frozen coffee drinks and a small snack. I wasn't very hungry for anything big. I just sat down across from her, playing with my bagel while she just sat silently and patiently across from me, sipping her own drink.

              "Liz," I whispered, setting my own drink I had sipped a bit back on the table. "How were things for you and Jasen's after the move, really?" I asked, finally working up the courage.

               Elizabeth took in a deep breath and blew it back out. "To be honest, Ari," she answered slowly, adapting a more serious look. "It wasn't the rainbows and sunshine you may have been thinking. Jasen's had a hard time adjusting to the limelight and all it came with. He'd gotten mixed up with not the best people a lot of time, and I started to question if letting him do this so young was even a good idea anymore."

             I felt a wave of regret wash over me. There had been nights Liz had reached out to me, and I rushed to get off the phone because either busy with studies or just not wanting to talk. I felt so betrayed when I had to say goodbye to them. And I hadn't reached out as much when I went off to college, wanting nothing to distract me from my goals.

            "I'm so sorry, Lizzy," I choked out, trying to hold back tears. "I was not a good friend to you once you left! You needed me, and I cast you away a lot. . ."

            Elizabeth looked down and sighed." I knew you were hurting so much, Ari. I understood that. But it wasn't easy for me to uproot and leave you all, either."

             I laced my fingers through her. "I. Am. Sorry," I spoke my words in earnest.

            "I appreciate you seeing the situation in the mature way you are." Elizabeth squeezed my hand back tightly, her eyes lighting up once again. "You were not just the only one hurting, Ari. But, how much you genuinely love my brother warms my soul! And if things were different...Celestial was really a good influence on Jasen and helped get him back on a healthier path. I am very grateful for her in his and my life as well..."

            I nodded understandingly. Celestial had become to famous Jasen what I had been to the mundane version of himself. How could one be jealous when the person you cared about deeply was actually in good hands in a world so tricky to navigate? Underneath the heartache, there was actually a hint of relief at this information.

             "I am not here to start anything with Celestial. . ." I murmured.

             "I remember who you are at heart, Ariana." Elizabeth nodded. "The real question is, do recall your own self anymore."

             Elizabeth's words rang loud and clear within me. I was actually beginning to wonder if I really did know who I even was anymore. Or had I formed an identity on who I thought I wanted to be far too much?

            I stared at myself in the mirror. I was very pleased with what I saw. The yellow dress Elizabeth had insisted we purchase was cut off at my knees and very form-fitting. I had wand curled my hair. It hung shinny against my waist. I had done my makeup simply: light blush, eyeshadow, and pink lip gloss. I hadn't been sure about attending Jasen's concert at first, but I knew that would be incredibly rude and selfish not to participate in the reason everyone was even here. We were at the arena, and I was in my room on the bus getting ready. Jasen's performance was to go on in a couple of hours, but the weather had unexpectedly turned cold. I had to now plan to wear a thick black cardigan over my dress. And I paired it with dark brown boots.

            I left my room and went to the front room to see Celestial, Liz, and Chase all sitting on the couch talking. When they noticed me, I saw Chase's eyes light up at my appearance. He looked so star-struck I felt my cheeks going red. He was wearing a blue-button down dress shirt and black jeans. He stood and made his way over to me.

            "Ariana," he said breathlessly, his something in his eyes I couldn't place. "You look so amazing..."

             "You really do," Celestial and Liz added on in sync. The both of them were also dressed very classy. Liz a long black dress. Celestial a red dressy blouse and black dress pants.

             "Do you have time to talk, at all?" Chase asked, suddenly, his eyes lighting up hopefully.

              I looked back at him curiously. "Sure."

              Chase grabbed a coat himself because it was nearly freezing outside now. I followed beside him down a deserted street. It was quiet for a few moments before Chase stopped abruptly and turned toward me. The fiery look in his eyes caught me off Guard.

            "Ariana," he whispered, painfully. "I can't do this anymore."

            "W-what are you taking about?" I stammered, a sudden nervous feeling washing over me. "C-can't do what?"

            "I can't not tell you that I'm in love with you Ariana Grams. . ."