Sennas pov
Song inspo - there's fear in letting go by I prevail
I was frozen after it happened, after the realization set in. The only thing I could be happy for was that my team was here with me, instead of the burning flames that consumed headquarters. It helped, but not enough.
I just stood there, watching the glow of orange grow brighter.
Again, it happened again. People around me always died, this was my fault. If I had just finished Graves when I had the chance, if I hadn't tipped him off in my selfishness.
This was supposed to be the end, the end of Graves but it was inching closer to being the end of everything I knew.
What do we do now? What should I do now? What do I do?
Ghost's gloved hand wrapped around my arm then and he forced me to look at him, spinning me around from what seemed like the world on fire.
I didn't want to look at him, I didn't want him to see the guilt in my eyes and make up some bullshit lie about how it wasn't my fault. Because it was.
"Senna!" He said louder, like he'd been calling my name multiple times until I finally heard it.
My eyes snapped up to his, but they weren't soft or feeling sorry for me like I was expecting, they held panic.
"Don't think, just do." He ordered, letting me go to reach down and pick up my katana, returning it to its sheath on my back.
When I didn't budge he grabbed a hold of my vest, yanking me a bit to bring me back to him.
"Don't think, just do." He repeated and everything else around me got louder, like I'd been drowning everything out except my own thoughts.
Simon was right, he always was; this wasn't over. We had people to save, or we at least had to try.
I followed him out, wishing I could drag Graves body with me to throw into the flames.
We met up with everyone else and I gave them orders to get back to base, to do what we could, save who we could. I was still in charge, but I wanted to be anything but. I was preparing myself for the break any moment, if I was capable of breaking once more.
Gemma was missing and I almost hesitated, almost ordered Johnny to find her but we needed him, I needed him to help me get through this. And I knew Gemma would want us to save as many lives as we could. We'd come back for her.
Headquarters was hectic. Not all the buildings were hit, but a majority of the larger ones were. People were already scrambling around, putting oxygen masks on those they pulled from the rubble. Fire trucks arrived soon after but it still took hours until nothing was burning.
Hundreds of lives were lost. All because of me.
I didn't stop working until the sun was rising and even then I kept going. I searched the rubble, digging until I was sure there was no one trapped below.
I was forced to stop when a hand gripped the back of my vest, pulling me back a few feet.
My eyes burned from the lack of sleep, my muscles ache but my mind continued on, what if there was more? Even one more.
"That's enough." Simon said from behind me, his hand still gripping my gear because he knew if he let go I'd be back at it. "You need to rest."
I tried not to get angry at his words. It was never enough and I could sleep when I was dead. I deserved to be dead right now.
I didn't say anything, didn't turn to look at him. I just stood there, staring into the rubble.
"C'mon they brought food, everyone is together to figure shit out." He ordered, pulling on me again.
"I can't."
"It was an order, from Price."
Really a debrief right now? It made sense. There had been more than enough time for higher ups that hadn't been on site to be there now. And I was sure I was someone they wanted to talk to.
"I don't care. I can't." I pleaded as my hands started to shake without something for them to do.
I didn't want to be the 'woe is me' person right now. I didn't want pity, I didn't want people telling me it wasn't my fault. Price would do that. The higher ups, maybe not, but I couldn't give two shots about some fucks who sat behind a desk giving orders all day. While they were comfortable at home, their disposable men had been here, not knowing they were taking their last breath.
Graves was a mass murderer but it didn't matter now that he was dead. There was no figuring anything out. It was just pick up and move on.
I wasn't sure I could pick up right now. A member of my team was still missing but I barely had the strength to move my feet.
I wanted to know what Simon was thinking, so I finally turned to face him but his mask still covered his face.
"Stop thinking." He said, quietly as his eyes searched my soot covered face.
"I can't." I replied weakly. Now that he stopped me, all I could do was think.
"Remember that mindset you went into when you held that gun to your head?"
Of course I knew what he was talking about, when I'd taken Varikov's deal and released myself of any humanity I had.
I nodded.
"You need to do that again. Do what you did after Callum died."
I could do that, but I was afraid this time I'd never be able to come back. He knew it too, I could see it in his eyes. I could see that he had to do the same thing.
We had to feel nothing in order to get things done. But ever since he had come into my life, it wasn't almost impossible to accomplish. Even if I'd done it that time in Russia for him, I wasn't that person anymore. I wasn't the soldier I used to be.
"Okay." I finally answered and for a moment a flash of regret showed in his eyes.
He was scared of what it would do to me too.
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Give me some time, I'll get better at it lol
