All's Fair in Love and Las Vegas

Chapter Forty-Four

        The monster in my throat was struggling to get out, but I swallowed it. I couldn't cry again. Not now. If I cried now, I didn't know what would happen. It felt physically impossible. Like I would stop existing if I let a tear escape. 

        "Jackie, you're shaking," Grayson whispered behind me, sounding worried again.

        "I'm not," I said with a quivering lip. I focused my gaze on the wall straight ahead of me. It was safe there. Nothing to see, nothing to think.

        He hesitated before asking, "Are um, are you sure? I–"

        "I'm not," I said harshly, closing the discussion. He closed his mouth and went back to brushing out my hair. Now I felt the shaking too, and I tried telling my body to stop, but it only seemed to get worse. I clenched the blankets in my fists, trying to control the shuddering. 

        My breath hitched when I felt Grayson's fingers begin to weave a braid down my back. He didn't know how to braid. He'd told me that once. Long ago, weeks and weeks ago. My brain became attached to that fact and I asked hoarsely, "When did you learn to braid?"

        For the longest time, he didn't answer. It wasn't until I felt the end of my braid fall against my back before I heard him whisper the answer. So quiet that I hardly heard it. His voice was so thick I don't know how he got the words out.

        "Two days ago."

        My heart stopped beating.

        Slowly, I turned, some of my emotions returning as I faced him on the bed. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces as I took in his broken form. Grayson's head was hung, tears running down his face. Still shaking, I reached over and found his hand, not sure if I was comforting him or only making it worse.

        A strangled sob escaped his lips and he scrubbed his eyes with his fist. "S-sorry. I'll let you go to bed now."

        The urge to cry had lessened, meaning I could talk a bit without needing to melt. "Grayson," I said softly, a few tears budding in my own eyes.

        "No, no, it's okay. I'm fine," he said quickly, trying to look away to hide the shiny splotches beneath his eyes.

        I squeezed his hand. "You don't have to protect me and my feelings. Just let it out." I wasn't sure where this attitude had come from. A second ago, I hadn't even been aware of him. Now he was all that mattered.

        The words came rushing out of him, spilling faster than he could physically talk. "We didn't get any time, Jacks. We had a week, and it was the best week of my life. I was so excited, so happy that I got the child I didn't even know I wanted. I never thought I'd have kids, that I'd get that opportunity, and then somehow by this crazy turn of events I got a chance, and it was so unexpected. It shouldn't have been possible. The chances were one in a million. But it happened, and I was over the moon, and-and now it's all gone, and I can't go from one extreme to the other. You're hurting right now, I need to take care of you but I can't help but feel like...like I lost part of myself. I don't know what to do. I don't–" he broke off, crying into his hands.

        I'd never seen him like this, so scared and broken, but that's what losing a child could do to someone, couldn't it? Leaning forward, I wrapped him in my arms and hugged him, holding back tears of my own. Tucking his head under my chin, I swallowed and said, "I know. I mean, I don't, I can't imagine how you feel, but..." But I was going through the same thing. Maybe it was different, maybe it wasn't. Plus he'd been so much more hopeful, so much more jubilant. His crash was a fiery one, and I honestly didn't know how he was going to survive it.

        "Jackie, she's gone," he cried, crumbling in my arms. Now I was crying too, much harder than before. I could only cling to him, cradling his head to my chest and blinking away the tears, only for them to be immediately replaced with new ones. Every breath was an endeavor, struggling to get through the invisible weight on my lungs.

        "I'm here," I murmured. "I'm here. I know it's not much, but I'm still here." Me being there was nothing in comparison, but it was all he had right now. And he was all I had. We'd told no one, meaning for the rest of our lives we would bear the weight of our secret. We would be the only ones to bear each other's grief. For the rest of our lives.

        

        It only made me cry harder.

        I didn't know when it stopped. I never saw the sun rise. I never felt Grayson move. I never heard him say goodnight. I didn't know if I truly stopped crying, or if my body simply chose to shut down. But I woke up, which was something. I wasn't sure if I would. I laid in the middle of the bed, as if I'd fallen over in exhaustion. Grayson was still trapped in my arms, his own arms locked around my waist and his hair rumpled. My heart sank at his puffy red eyes; he must've recently been awake.

        The clock said it was almost noon. That meant nothing to me. Noon wouldn't matter until I was done with this nightmare. Until...

        Until we were divorced.

        My brain had to store that thought away for later. I couldn't bear to imagine leaving Grayson right now. Someday, yes, that made sense. But right now we were the only hope we had in this world. Leaning on each other, trusting each other would be vital over the next few months. So no thoughts of separating for now.

        For now, we had to stay together.

        We had to.