All's Fair in Love and Las Vegas

Chapter Forty-Three

        "Stay with me, Jacks," I heard Grayson say. "Just stay with me a minute longer, darling."

        I can stay, I said silently. Staying. Stay with Grayson. But I couldn't fight through the pain monster chewing at my head and my stomach. As my knees buckled, I heard Grayson cry out, yelling for something.

        Then it all faded to black.

        The moment I woke up, I felt it. Well, first I felt the soreness throughout my entire torso. But I felt the hollow emptiness along with it. My whole body felt like I'd lost weight in twenty different places and replaced it with helium. Nothing felt like myself. Shuddering, I whimpered, trying to get a hold on my surroundings. An ill-lit hospital room. The blinds let in cracks of darkness, indicating it was still nighttime. I had tubes hooked up to my arms. A little clamp on my finger. My hair damp and matted and pulled into a hasty bun. I could feel my ribcage shaking as I took every breath. I looked around again, now seeing Grayson in the little chair next to my cot.

        He looked terrible.

        His knee was in a constant state of bouncing in anxiety. He had his head in his hands, his hair going in dozens of directions as he sat hunched over. But the thing that struck me most was that he was the only one there. I didn't have anyone, no family or friends, but I had Grayson.

        "Grayson," I croaked, horrified at how rough my throat felt.

        Someone might as well have electrically shocked him. He jolted up, and I was stunned to see his eyes bright red and puffy. He knelt down next to my bed, gently putting one hand on my arm and whispering. "You're okay. I mean, how are you feeling?"

        My heart dropped. "Sore," I said, leaving out the empty feeling from my description. "But a lot better than earlier."

        Relief washed over me. "That's good. For a second I thought I lost you."

        "I thought I lost me too." His lips quirked in a tiny smile, but it instantly disappeared.

        "Want some water?" he asked, reaching for the bottle on the table. Briefly, I glanced at my arm. An IV. So I was getting fluids. It just didn't feel like it.

        "Okay," I decided. I took the cup he handed me with shaking hands, downing half of it in four gulps. He gently took it from me when I was done, setting it on the table.

        "What happened?" I asked, dreading the answer. "I just remember passing out in the hallway."

        He looked down at his shoes, silent for the longest seconds of my life. "Jackie," he said quietly.

        My heart stopped beating. I knew. I knew, just like I'd known when I woke up. "No," I whispered, the tears coming hot and fast. "No, Grayson. No, no no." 

        He leaned over and hugged me tight, but all I could do was cry. Wretched, awful sobs pouring out of me like a waterfall. The sadness was overwhelming–and unexpected. I hadn't wanted a baby. The news that I was pregnant had permanently changed my entire life, and not in a good way. It'd only made everything more complicated. But now that I'd had Everlie taken away, I was devastated. My beautiful little child, stripped away from me only a week after learning of her existence. My sobs turned silent, tears spilling from my eyes as I drowned in my grief.

        Then I remembered Grayson, and now guilt was thrown into the hurricane of emotions. He'd been so excited, so attached. Everlie had been one of the only joys in his life. Now he'd had her ripped away, his entire future with her gone in a matter of hours. I couldn't imagine how that felt for him. I could barely take in my own feelings right now, but I knew how much he had to be hurting.

        "I'm sorry," I cried into his shirt. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Grayson."

        "No, no, don't you dare be sorry," he said, pulling away and holding my face in his hands. His face was wet with tears, but it was the heartbreak in his hazel eyes that hurt the most.

        "I-I probably did something I shouldn't have done without thinking," I said, trying not to break down sobbing again.

        "No. Even if you did, which I doubt you did since you've been so careful, it's not your fault," he said, wiping away my tears with his thumb. "You can't blame yourself, Jacks. It just happens. No matter how careful you are, there's a chance this could happen. We just got unlucky. But you can't take the blame."

        My eyes watered again. "But Everlie..."

        "Was not your fault," Grayson finished gently. "I know you're thinking that it is. But it's not. I promise. Maybe you won't be able to accept that right now, but I need you to trust me."

        "Okay," I choked out. He hugged me again, holding me so tightly that I didn't have the space to cry. I knew he wanted to comfort me, but I also felt how protectively desperate his embrace was. He was holding me together, clutching all my broken pieces in his arms.

        I felt him shudder as he whispered, "When they told me about Everlie...all I could do was pray you'd be okay too. If you hadn't..." He trailed off, his grip on me getting even tighter.

        "I know." I hadn't been at all worried about myself, but now I realized how stressful that must've been for him. "What time is it?"

        "Eight. Um, it's been about a day," he said. Not letting go of me.

        "Oh," I said in a small voice. I'd spent a whole day here, in pain and unaware of losing my baby. Grayson had spent a whole day here, worried sick. I didn't know which was worse.

        "Do you want to go home?" he asked softly.

        "Maybe...maybe just hold me for a little longer," I whispered, closing my eyes and letting a few more tears escape. He nodded and climbed up next to me, careful not to sit on any of my tubes. I took slow, deep breaths, trying to simply grasp control. The whole world had fallen apart around me, and now I needed to start putting the pieces back together. Not just for my sake, but for Grayson's as well. He held me for the longest time, not saying a word. My heart and head felt heavy as he rubbed my back, trying to push away the aches and pains. Except I didn't know if they'd ever go away. If they'd live as a constant reminder of the worst day of my life.

        I wondered how this would change us. Grayson and I already had a fragile, scary relationship. But this? This could break us. Grief was hard enough to handle on your own, but for us to handle this together when we weren't even together? I didn't know how it would change us. We weren't regular parents. We hadn't even been planning to raise Everlie together. But I knew this would impact our relationship in ways I couldn't even begin to imagine.

        Right as I was about to ask, he whispered, "We'll get through this together."

        "Do you want to?" I asked, immediately wincing at how insensitive the question felt.

        But Grayson either didn't notice my tone or chose to ignore it. "I do. Everlie is our child, our grief to share. I'm not letting you do this alone, Jacks," he said, cradling my head to his chest.

        I nodded slightly. "I'm not letting you do this alone either," I said, a little choked up. "I know...how much she meant to you. How badly you wanted this."

        His entire body relaxed a little. Still rigid, still scared, but not so tense. "Thank you, Jackie."

        I buried my face in his shirt, crying again. Because I just couldn't understand. I couldn't understand why Everlie was gone. Maybe Grayson and I deserved it. Maybe it was punishment for our mistakes. But she didn't deserve it. Sweet, darling Everlie, who would've come this spring. She would've been born with the blooming flowers, arriving in the melting of the snow.

        But now it felt like spring would never come.

        Our darling Everlie.

        It was all a dream.

        Now it was only a nightmare.