Take My Breath | Catnipz

thirteen

"But how do you feel right now?," Riley wonders. "You're starting to look a little pale over there. I can fetch you a glass of water. Maybe a tablet?"

I shake my head lightly. "No, it's fine," I reply weakly. "But to answer your question, I feel horrid. Absolutely horrid. Sick to my stomach." I answer, almost inaudible. "I have never liked anyone—ever. And to think that out of our population of who knows how many, the first person I decide to give my heart to is Mara Jace," I tilt my head back to stop the tears from falling. "I thought that first crushes were supposed to be cute and somewhat unserious? This is fucked up."

Riley huffs a breath. "Not all the time. It's not meant to be like the movies or the books," She holds out a hand and takes mine in hers. "Not all of them anyway." She chuckles. "Take Belly as an example. Conrad was there for her. He always had been. And so it came to be that Belly had fallen for Conrad. In all his glory. Her first love."

"God, my head hurts." I sigh. "But I'm not Belly. I'm nothing like Belly...and I'm not even remotely Mara's type. Belly could pull anyone. Not me."

Riley shook her head. "You're not meant to be, Belly. You're meant to be, you. And if she can't like you back in the same way, then she's the one at loss. She should like you for who you are."

I feel a heaviness form across my chest. "Mara has always been there for me." I reiterate. "Ever since we were kids...I had her in my life like we were always destined to be with one another. And now I'm so fond of her. I feel like my heart could burst," I bite the side of my cheek. "Everything about MJ is excruciatingly perfect and I hate it. With a burning passion." I chuckle. "It's so fucked to think that I've put myself in a situation where I'm gonna hurt myself either way. Riley, I think..."

I take a moment to ponder. It can't be. But what if it really is? What if it's the red hot burning feeling that ignites within the deepest parts of me?

"I think I love her. Truly, not in the friend way."

I feel those five words pool up inside me like I'm ready to drown in them. This is crazy. It doesn't feel like it's right; I shouldn't be feeling this way.

Riley kisses my hand. Her warmth is comforting but different. I feel her thumb glide against my dorsal as I shut my eyes closed and think of every time she's held me and kept me close.

It's really different.

Her warmth is dangerous, absolute, constricting, compelling and addicting. It sends shivers down my spine and electric shocks throughout my whole body; ready to start a fire so puissant.

"Are you in love or do you just love her?"

The question is jolting, yet I know my answer.

I've  known since our kiss on the field. The kiss that has been on a constant loop in my head. The kiss that has sent alarms throughout my whole system; red and blaring; loud and profound.

I certainly should not feel the way that I do. But I can't help it. I can no longer deny the cold hard truth. The truth that was bound to come out.

"I'm in love with her." I answer.

My throat had run dry. A cup of water would hardly make a difference. I was parched, but not for water. I wanted her. I wanted all of her.

I vividly remember that tingly sensation and the taste of her chapstick. I remember how it felt and how she left me breathless and wanting more.

I have never felt more fragile than I do in this very moment. I feel like I could snap or break; one wrong move and it's over; it's all done for.

I still have so many questions that need answers. I don't know how to act or what to think. I don't know how I'm meant to carry on like I don't want her more than a friend. I don't even know how I'm meant to be okay when I'm standing right here while she's off with someone else that's not me.

"Would you tell her?"

Riley continues to comfort me as much as she possibly can, and for that I'm entirely grateful.

"I honestly don't know." I shake my head as I chuckled half heartedly. "I tell her that all the time. Mara does too. Always. It would hold a whole new meaning for me." I explained. "But I'm sure that it'll mean the same old thing to Jace..."

"And your certain?" Riley knits her brows closely.

I'm very certain. I know that for a fact. It is the absolute truth no matter how or when you look at it. And that is what hurts me the most.

"I'm certain." I answered firmly. "I know Jace better than anyone. I never realised how badly that would affect me now that I'm here, loving her like this. This has all been unexpected after all. But I can't deny the undeniable fact or truth that even anyone else would agree with. She likes Mavis."

I feel tears start to pool in my eyes.

"Maisie..."

Riley stands from her stool with haste and makes her way around the kitchen island to pull me into a tight long hug—I didn't know how badly I needed that. I feel my heart start to ache as tears begin to course down my cheeks like cold rain.

MJ's phone vibrates in the pocket of her hoodie. I take a deep breath before I take it out to look. Whatever part of my brain had ushered me to do such a thing has now killed a part of my soul.

It had become quite clear that I was losing a game that I wasn't sure had begun in the first place.