The Other Brother

KHANYISILE

As much as I have missed her, I am saddened that the betrayal is still fresh - well not that fresh but fresh. I love Amanda as my sister. God knows I do. But what she did to me was worse than the betrayal I could face. I forgave Thabi. She is my sister; I will need to think things through if I want to move on from this. Those couple of months, but I still haven't forgotten. It still harbours like a fresh sore.
"Thinking this hard is not good my daughter." My father says and sits beside me. I smile.
"Would you forgive a friend that betrayed you?" I ask. He keeps quiet for a while.
"It will depend. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Take your time and lower your expectation. Reconnect to Spirit. In reality, forgiveness simply means choosing to let go of your anger - hurt and desire for vengeance." I nod my head in understanding. Maybe it's' time to let my heart go at ease and let God do the will. I don't hate her. She will forever hold a special space in my heart.
"Thank you. I will see how we move on from this." I say.
" That boy you are with. He also a Zikode?"
"Yes."
"What if they are related." That has never really crossed my mind. But Mkhuseli would have told me about his brother. I know he has a brother and is very much rebellious. I have met his mother and she has never mentioned anything too. I shake my head no. "They are not related at all. If they were I would have known." Nothing links to the both of them.
"If you say so."
Right then his call comes through. I sigh and stand up.
"Hy. I was about to call you." I lie.
Would it be wrong of me if I confess that I don't feel anything for this man? He is sweet and all but he is just way too sweet for me to a point that it annoys me at times. I miss my old life. Dodging bullets. It fascinated me no lies. With Mkhuleko I always found myself leaving in my own world - like I am in some sort of movie.
"Here she goes again. I know your story." He laughs out loud. I smile. "I know your tricks Nkanyezi."
"Ahh. Come on. I am not that bad." I say
"How is your day been?" He asks.
Would I be willing to be immortal alongside him? Would I be willing to stand by him in even his worst moments? Would I enjoy every single day of our immortal lives together? Definition of love is this super emotional rollercoaster that constantly gives you butterflies in one's stomach whenever they around you or he's in one's thoughts all day every day. Then you should probably revaluate how realistic this viewpoint on love is. Love isn't like they portray it in movies; love is a marathon, not a sprint. It lasts a long time and takes just as much time and effort to keep on the same track. I can't force myself to love someone. Some people say it grows but that should grow when you first begin to get to know each other. Maybe something is lacking. If there are things I want to change, I need to be honest but at the end of the day I should consider how he will feel. It will affect him too. I need to think about why I am really with this person.
"Halo. Are you still there?"
I must have totally zoned out. "Erm yeah. I am still here."
"Are you okay. You seem distant."
"Come fetch me I miss you."
I dropped the call and leaned against the wall. Atleast I will be making him happy while I still can.
It does not even take that long for him to pop by. He sent a text message advising me that he was outside. I bid my father farewell and told him that I was going out.
Hugging often creates a feeling of calmness and relaxation. That is how I felt when I hugged Mkhuleko. I break the hug off and look at him with all smiles. Guilt strikes. I also smile trying to hide the shame.
"Someone missed me." He says holding my waste firmly. Normally I get butterflies, but nothing shifts inside of me.
"I did." What better response can I offer?
"I have something for you." He says letting go of my waste and opens that backseat. A bouquet of red roses. My favourite.
"I always pictured myself walking down the aisle with a bouquet of red roses." I say.
"So, you picture yourself getting married some day?"
"Of Course, I do."
He holds my hand and kisses the back of it. I am trying. Lord knows I am trying but the connection is just not there. It's me just making him happy. We arrive at his house and his mother is there. She has been weirdly behaving in a way I do not understand towards me lately, but I do not pay much attention to it. She excuses herself and leaves the house.
"Why is your mother behaving strangely towards me?" I finally ask. He takes a deep breath and shrugs his shoulders saying he doesn't know. I don't believe that. He knows something and he just doesn't want to tell me. I carefully look at him and I see a huge avoidance. Okay bro she defiantly said something!

MKHUSELI

For my mother to react in that manner whereas I specifically told her that Khanyi means a lot to me baffles me. Me opening to her - I didn't know that I would cause some tension and drift. I know she loved my brother more, but I never knew that my happiness would also come second to her. I am highly disappointed again in her no lies. After spending some time with Khanyi I decided to send her back home. I am in the kitchen trying to make something to eat but my appetite has been pushed out of the window. The woman I call my mother has a way of ruining me. I push the bread aside and think hard. Just because I told her that I am in love with the same girl that my brother is in love with is a problem. It's not my fault that we feel for the same girl. Maybe if we had been open with each other it would have been easier to know that we are in love with the same girl. Marrying, asking for her hand in marriage will not be a bad idea. I will need to set up a meeting with my father's family and get into it. Baba Omdala has been my favourite from the start. I know he will approve. I made sure to wipe any evidence that has to do with Mkhuleko. I hid it in a place that no one would find. My mother had to do one task and that task was to make sure that she keeps this to herself. But no, the woman decides to act differently. Now Khanyi suspects something.
"Ndodana." The happiness in his voice whenever I get to call him.
"Baba. Hope everyone is good on that side." I speak. He goes on to tell me about his livestock that seems to be multiplying. I think I should go home one of these days to see him. My mother always refused to let me go home but Mkhuleko went there all the time. All of this is still stuffed in my heart, and I am just hurting but no one is realizing.
"This is a nice surprise. How has your mother been? Ever since my brother was buried that woman refused to set foot here." She tells me.
"She doesn't want me to come home too."
There's some silence on the line. "Baba." I called him.
"I am here son. You meaning to tell me that your mother hasn't said anything?"
"About? Was she meant to tell me something?" Confusion takes over.
"If you miss me that much we can meet in town and talk. I am around. My chickens have run out of umgqakazo. What do you call it again. I forget this word every day. I remember how you use to teach me how to roll my tongue." I laugh out loud. The old man still remembers this.
"Kodwa baba. It's corn."
"Ow yes. How can I forget." We continued to laugh and talk some more. This old man has a funny way of doing doing you know. He did promise to meet up with me at some time and for that I am grateful. I am now in a lighter mood. At least one person I can count on. The kitchen door opens, and my mother finds me standing. By the expression on her face, I can tell that she was not expecting me around. From now onwards I am done trying to be loved by this woman.
"Ow, you are here." She says, closing the door. She looks behind me and my suspicions run wild. She now has a problem with Khanyi.
"She is gone."
"Who?"
I don't know if she is making a full out of me or what. She looks at me without saying a word.
"I am marrying Khanyi." I blurted out unexpectedly. She doesn't respond but nervously smiles. "I asked for Baba Omdala to handle everything for me since he is the only one by myside at the moment and the person who understands me since Mkhuleko is not around."
She gasps. "Why would call that man when you have me." I look at her in disbelief.
"Because you never really cared about me."
"That is not true! I care about you!" She shouts.
"Then you have a funny way of showing it. When I started therapy, my therapist told me she cared. She didn't volunteer to get this information. I asked. So, she told me she cared, but I didn't believe her. Over time I asked her if she cared many times. She always said she did. I never believed her. Then I started to open to her, even though I didn't believe she cared about me. I told her some secrets. I told her things I was ashamed of. I expected her to throw me in the trash. She didn't throw me in the trash. She listened. She helped me understand my family, myself, the things that happened to me. She showed up again, again, and again. I never felt judged. I was never in trouble with her. She taught me to be honest. One day I asked her why she didn't throw me away. She said, 'Because you matter, what happens to you matters.' For some reason I let her words in, I believed her. I think I was finally able to believe her because I finally cared about myself. I finally began to see myself as lovable and worthy -- human. Some people bring light and happiness to me. Khanyi brings that spark in me. I noticed how I mentioned Khanyi being Mkhuleko's ex. You drastically changed. And today I have finally confirmed that I was never loved by you. I was never your priority and I have accepted it. I would rather have people like Baba Omdala who care about me to guide me in this. Just so you know. I am done trying to find love in you." I walked away leaving her standing. My heart for her is closed off!