Crest of the Strongest Knight

Chapter 76 - Heart and Sun

...But what if Viviane chooses otherwise? Medrauta bit her lip. She'd already broken down once after the attack and spent a good few hours lamenting her powerlessness in Viviane's comforting presence, but that was different. She was showing weakness, not revealing the dark thoughts that plagued her mind.

As a knight, Medrauta was bound by the tenets of the knight's code that championed honor and chivalry. While she had followed its precepts whenever she could, she was not exactly the most dutiful of adherents. Nonetheless, she had always strove to live in a way that she would not regret, yet these past few days, there had only been a single thought that dominated her mind.

Her desire to protect Viviane from future hurts and evils by forging a path ahead with an indiscriminate blade had only been an excuse. Though it still formed part of her motivation, the disgusting truth that it hid was what she feared sharing.

The truth of what she truly sought at the end of that bloodied path.

"...It was revenge." Medrauta said, her voice trembling. "Just like Leticia, I was consumed with self-loathing, but I couldn't just sink into lethargy. There were so many emotions overflowing within me. Sorrow, anger, frustration, fear, dread. They had to go somewhere, Viviane."

"...Revenge?" Viviane asked, her brow furrowing in concern. "...You mean for Dame Trista?"

Medrauta shook her head. "Something like that. Trista was part of it, but it wasn't just for her. It was everything. It was going so well. Everything was going so well, and then in just an instant, it all went to shit. Amelia's betrayal, Kaslavna's attack, the academy's destruction... It made me realize just how fragile the peace we have is."

Viviane didn't say anything. Instead, she simply nodded and stepped closer to Medrauta, leaning against her knight and offering the warmth of her body as a place of solace.

"...And I think I just felt like I needed to do something. I needed someone to blame and something to direct my anger toward. That was all I could think of ever since that day. Even though I knew my place was by your side, the only thing I thought of was taking revenge on Amelia for all of this. I wanted to drive the cold steel of my blade through her black heart. I wanted to see the blood trickle from her lips as her life slowly drained away, every crimson drop a toll for the hurt she'd caused. Even if it wouldn't bring back the people that we'd lost, it was something that would keep me moving forward... Forward, so that I wouldn't have to look back at my own weakness that day."

It had taken all of Medrauta's willpower to stand still as she spoke those ugly words before her beloved Viviane. She kept her gaze fixed ahead of her in fear of how her lady was looking at her after listening to the grotesque desires that she'd just voiced. She thought her hand would be cold by now, but Viviane's warmth still remained, and that gave her the courage to press on.

"...But a knight doesn't live for revenge. Their purpose is to shield their charge and to be their blade. Leticia made me realize that. And so, I found myself lost again for a brief moment until I heard your voice. I... I didn't want to ask this. I didn't even want to think about it, but... Do I still deserve to be your knight after all that, Viviane? Do I still deserve to be your knight even though I'd filled my thoughts with someone other than you?"

...Worse yet, do I still deserve to call myself your partner? Medrauta couldn't bring herself to ask that question. She feared the answer even more than she feared the dissolution of her oath.

Even though the desire for revenge had dominated her head ever since the attack on the academy and devoured everything else that defined her, it could not smother her love for Viviane. At the very least, that sole truth remained untarnished. Even now, it was the lighthouse that allowed Medrauta to find herself once more in the black sea of revenge that had flooded her mind.

But that was the very reason why she feared the answer to that question, for if Viviane voiced Medrauta's deepest fear... then that very last light within her would shatter and she would be consumed by the darkness again.

"...Of course you do, Medrauta." Viviane said, her voice so unexpectedly loud and powerful that it echoed in the small confines of the room and drew Medrauta's shocked gaze. "I won't lie. The way you described it shook me. I... I never thought that you were someone capable of thinking such things, but it doesn't matter to me."

"H-How can you say that, Viviane...? How can you say that when—"

"Because you turned back." Viviane declared, the force of conviction in her voice silencing the knight at once. "You immersed yourself in those dark thoughts, but you still didn't let them consume you. They may have driven you for a time, but you managed to push them back whenever you were with me, and now you've overcome them, Medrauta. Of course a knight so strong is more than qualified to call themself mine."

...I managed to push them back? Medrauta wondered as she stared at Viviane, wide-eyed. Memories flashed through her head as she recalled the past few days that she'd spent with her beloved lady, and she found that her lady's words were true. Viviane had said it best near the beginning of the discussion.

I'd only changed when I grasped my sword... The realization gave Medrauta a sensation of both overwhelming relief and worry at the same time. While she was glad that her interactions with Viviane hadn't been blemished by the unsavory thoughts that plagued her mind over the course of the week, she now worried about a relapse. ...If that's the case, then what if I fall into that abyss again once I draw my blade again?

"You won't." Viviane tightened her grip around Medrauta's hands as the knight's eyes widened in surprise. She pulled Medrauta closer toward her such that they now stood directly across from each other almost as if they had entered some sort of awkward embrace.

Though she had no way of truly knowing what her knight was thinking, she recognized the worry that flickered across her knight's face, and there was only one thing that Medrauta could have been worried about at that moment.

"You won't," Viviane repeated. "Because I'll be there to pull you back to my side every time, Medrauta."

"...Vivi." There were no words that Medrauta could use to express how she felt at that very moment.

Instead, Medrauta pulled Viviane into a proper embrace, hugging her beloved lady tightly as she squeezed her eyes shut in a futile attempt to stop the tears that flowed from her eyes. Even though the darkness that had taken hold of Medrauta's mind had been recent, it felt so far away in the wake of Viviane's overflowing light that washed it away now.

Viviane... You really are my sun...