Being me with you

Chapter 3 - very overprotective

Hazel

While he helped me unpack all my stuff there was complete silence. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, just silent. I was glad because it gave me time to think things over, maybe that wasn't good but hey, overthinking has never hurt me right? He saw my bloody fingers, how could I be so dumb that I didn't wipe off the blood?  

Because you are an attention seeking bitch?

Shut up!

I shook my head to make that mean voice go away.

But it's true.

I said shut up.

When I was in freshman year of high school I started to feel like I had no control over anything and I started to stress over it. As the need for control got worse and the stress increased. In sophomore year I started studying a lot. My brothers tried to stop me but I couldn't. In my head studying equaled control, and I felt like I needed it. I still do. Together with this I also started to feel more and more anxious. Always on high alert and started having trouble sleeping because of the thoughts in my head, 'what if' scenarios. It was here my 'tics' started, I started biting my cheeks, picking on my fingers. Then when I started junior year, the nausea came. In the beginning it wasn't that bad but after maybe three months it got worse. It started to stop me from eating. This resulted in me losing weight. The weird thing was that I didn't hate that fact. The lack of food and the weight loss caused me to not have my period for the last half of junior year. My friends started to notice everything and started to make comments about it. How I was an 'attention seeker' and disgusting for not eating, picking on my fingers and sometimes for breaking down in school. They were supposed to be my best friends but no. They were the ones who made everything worse, much worse. At the end of junior year I didn't want to go to school and I started to get tired of everything. The studying though, never stopped. It was the only thing I knew how to do. Only way to have control over something. My parents noticed everything. My lovely parents. I love them with all my heart. They helped me, or at least tried. My brothers too. And a part of that was to suggest boarding school to get a fresh start. So that's what we did and now I am here at Green Meadows Academy.

Though I know that they are wrong, I can't seem to get rid of my ex-best friends' words, they are stuck within me and I can't help but think they are true.

When Asher saw my fingers I could see that he knew. He knew I did it to myself. I was scared he would think I was an attention seeker, judge me, like my late friends did, but I could not find an ounce of judgment or disgust in his ice cold blue eyes. I could only see concern. I was surprised he showed any emotions at all. I had met him only half an hour to an hour ago but I could already tell he hid behind walls, what are his reasons? Both Leah and Isaac told me he was distant but he didn't show me that side of him. Or well, at least not completely. He saw that I was bleeding, took me to the bathroom, lifted me up to sit on the counter, not before making sure I was comfortable, and put bandaids on the fingers that were bleeding. Is that the behavior of someone who is supposed to be cold? Wait, he lifted me up on the counter.

He probably thinks you're a freak who makes herself bleed and doesn't eat.

Shut up.

Well it is kind of true but I do eat, just not enough. I eat small portions because I can't get a lot down at a time. I don't actually puke very often but I feel extremely nauseous. Sometimes, when I feel really sick, I sit on the bathroom floor after I've eaten just in case I would have to puke. But nowadays I actually have my period so I guess that is a good sign. It is irregular and really painful but at least it is there telling me I am somewhat healthy.