Shotgun Rider

Oceans apart

He was haunted by his own voice at night, the words he said to Olivia echoed in his head so loudly it was painful. He treated her like she was a punching bag for his own emotional baggage, all because he wasn't willing to admit to her, or even to himself, why he chose her over the job.

From the very beginning of their partnership, Olivia was there for him through thick and thin, she was more than his partner, she was his best friend, and he failed her. He failed the one person in his life who never failed him, he truly fucked up this time.

None of this was her fault and he should've just kept his distance or something, instead of yelling at her and telling her things he knew, were probably haunting her too.

And he knew it was wrong, he knew he had no reason to be angry at Olivia. not after everything he said and did to her, not after the pain he caused. but dammit he was still angry at her, He was angry at ber for making him feel this way about her, angry at her for becoming so important to him, so damn important that he'd risk his job, his life, everything, for her.

He was angry at her for not seeing that, even though it wasn't fair, and so unbelievably selfish.

And now she wasn't speaking to him.

She left her entire life behind without even telling him.

Sure, she was in the same city still. But they were oceans apart.

And even though he had been horrible to her, he didn't feel like he deserved this.

He lost count of how many times he tried to call her, she never picked up.

He left at least a dozen voicemails, he had a feeling she never listened to any of them.

"Liv, it's me. I don't know what's going on with you but you never showed up to work today and you're ignoring all of my calls. You're worrying me Liv. this isn't like you. Casey told me you're okay but she said you want to be left alone, I don't understand! what's going on? please call me back."

No answer.

"Liv, come on pick up."

Pick up, pick up.

No answer.

Dial again.

Liv, what the hell. I know you're angry at me and I can take it, but you've never ignored me like this in all of the seven years I've known you, please pick up.. just talk to me."

No answer.

He still wasn't giving up.

But he knew, he had to do something different or she was never going to respond to him.

And he couldn't live with himself, is this was how things ended.

The both of them so hurt and unbearable angry, everything left unsaid.

So he decided to do something he never thought he would do.

He was going to apologize, he was going to tell her as much as his stubborn ass heart would allow.

"Liv." This time his voice was low and desperate. "Liv look, I'm sorry okay, I'm truly sorry. I shouldn't have blamed you for any of this, you didn't deserve that." He paused, attempting to swallow the emotion building up in his throat before continuing. "None of this was your fault Liv, I don't know why I put it on you. You've never needed me to rescue you, you're the strongest person I know." His voice cracked. "I took the anger I felt towards myself out on you, I should've never done that, and I shouldn't have expected you to take the shot when I couldn't even walk away from you when that boy was dying. I feel like a hypocrite, I'm sorry for everything Liv, just please call me back, I miss you."

feeling suffocated by his own words, Elliot let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding, but he still couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe knowing there was a good change she would never speak to him again, and the more time passed and he didn't receive a call back, the more it started to seem like that chance was becoming his reality. He couldn't lose her though, he couldn't live without her in his life, she gave him balance, she kept his feet on the ground, she was the only one who could quiet his mind after a traumatizing case, she meant something more to him than he was willing to admit.

Dammit, he couldn't lose her. Not after they both almost died, how the hell could she just up and cut him off after they both almost died?

He stayed up an extra hour after leaving that voicemail, praying she would answer, even if it was just to tell him to fuck off, at least it was something. The Olivia he had known for the past seven years, was never afraid to give him a piece of her mind, never afraid to express herself when she got angry at him. She never hesitated to yell at him, cuss him out, one time,  she even slapped him across the face during one of their many, many fights, he could took it. He could take that, but he couldn't take this, he couldn't take this feeling in the pit of his stomach and the voice in his head that told him, she might just hate him now.

this wasn't the Olivia he had known for the past seven years.

Where the hell was she? 

What the hell was going on with her?

He would rather her beat the crap out of him than to shut him out like this.

Because, this hurt more.

She was trying to hurt him, and it was working.

"Dammit Olivia, I would've never done this to you!" He yelled to no one in particular, before throwing the phone across the room, the device hitting the wall with a loud thud.

He would've never done this to her. He repeated in his head, before climbing into bed and turning off the light. Listening to the sounds of the city as he wondered, how the hell this became his life.