State Of Grace

Chapter 35 - Never Grow Up

Her heart cracked wide open at the sight of the boy in tears. All of her anger towards him had vanished. "I know. Hey, it's okay, I'm not mad."

"You're not? I thought you'd hate me," he tugged on the hem of his sleeves.

With that comment and his habit, Gracie saw her reflection again. Like herself, Jasper assumed that people would want nothing more to do with him after he made a mistake. It was the reason she was always keeping secrets, terrified to be found out in case she was rejected. Again.

"I don't hate you," she said, "But why don't you want your dad to know about the support group?" She asked, not hesitating before delving into the hard questions. If they had any chance of having a relationship there was no use in beating around the bush.

He sighed, shaking his head, "He's not like your parents."

Gracie scoffed, "I can see that."

"I've had some... problems," Jasper started, "Just like with my mental health and stuff," he cringed, but continued, "I've been meaning to bring it up in group, but... I tried to um," his eyes drifted around, avoiding contact with Gracie's, "I tried to take my own life."

Gracie admired his courage, knowing how hard it was to admit to that, knowing the person listening might not understand. But Gracie did understand, "I'm sorry, thank you for telling me."

Jasper finally met her eyes as he mustered a smile that conveyed the relief he felt from finally speaking his truth after keeping it in for so long.

"So, I'm guessing your dad didn't like that?" Gracie asked.

Jasper shook his head, "He found the note and caught me with the bottle of pills, he slapped them out of my hands. For a second there was this look on his face, he was scared, and I thought maybe he was finally going to see me, see what was happening in my head. But he didn't."

"He didn't try to get you any help? Like a doctor or-"

"No. I couldn't see a doctor behind his back because I'm a minor, so I went to my school counselor and she signed me up for group therapy at the hospital," Jasper shook his head, "He just got mad. He screamed at me. Stop crying, he said, babies cry, real men don't cry, real men push through," Jasper's eyes started watering again but he forced the tears down like his father taught him. "After that, he didn't speak to me for weeks, and when he finally did, it was just to yell at me more. That scared look on his face was gone, and he was just... he was disgusted with me."

Gracie knew what that felt like, she'd never forget the look on her old social worker's face when he walked into her hospital room after her first attempt. She touched his arm in an attempt to comfort him but he flinched, "Sorry," she said, pulling away, and it seemed the optimal time to ask her next question, "Jasper, are you sure he doesn't-" she stopped herself when his brow furrowed.

"He doesn't, I told you," he snapped.

"Okay," she held her hands up, "Okay, I won't ask again."

"Look, he's not a bad guy, he loves me and he just wants what's best for me. He doesn't get that mad anymore, but he can't know about group therapy, it would just set him back."

"I get it."

Gracie changed the subject, and Jasper started to relax again. She was only a year older than him, but he seemed much younger, especially when he started talking about his hobbies. Jasper was a big fan of comic books and had hoped to publish his own one day. He lit up like a child on Christmas when he took Gracie to his bedroom to show her his drawings.

"These are amazing," she flicked through his sketchbooks. Each page was completely taken up by intricate drawings of superheroes and monsters completed with carefully written passages. "Is this you?" She pointed to a drawing of a caped boy with long curly hair.