Falling For You

008

Watching Zuri paint was very therapeutic. She was slow with it - always taking her time and paying attention to details. She was somewhat a perfectionist, and it was interesting to watch her eyebrows furrow when she didn't think she was getting what she really wanted to do.

She would wrap a bandana over hair just to hold it in place, and she would listen to music playing in the background. I also found her taste in music very interesting. She listened to just about anything, as long as it sounded good in her ears.

"You know, people with my kind of taste in music have the best personalities," she would usually say.

"Hey, don't you have classes these days?" Zuri raised an eyebrow at me, looking way from what she was painting.

"I do," I shrugged, "but I don't attend."

"Why not?"

"I've done everything I should be doing already. Plus, I really don't feel like going."

"Must be nice," she chuckled. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure," I watched her go back to painting, and I could tell what she wanted to ask was something sensitive.

"Your mom... does she know how well you're doing in your classes?"

I swallowed, "Nope."

"You don't want to tell her?"

"My grades won't fix our relationship," I told her quite painfully. At some point, I desired a close relationship with my mom. I wanted nothing but to talk to her and tell her about everything going on in my life, but she was never there. She had been so distraught about my dad's death that she went about doing her thing. Doing anything to distract herself from the pain. Everything apart from acknowledging and recognizing me. She forgot I was also in pain, and it really hurt. I had gone through all the stages of grief without her.

By the time she was ready to move on and be closer to me, there was so much distance between us, and it just felt easier to let things be. I didn't want to visit the past. I didn't want to have to talk about my dad's death. I didn't want to have to talk about the pain and thoughts I'd had to deal with. I was already doing much better.

On some days, I wanted to reach out to her.  I wanted to talk to her in the same manner she would call me and express her desire to talk to me, but I stopped it. I didn't take her calls anymore. They were too awkward and painfully slow. 

"Don't you miss her?" Zuri asked, still not looking at me.

"Not all the time," I answered.

"But sometimes."

I swallowed, "Yeah."

"If you miss her sometimes, you should call her when you do," she stopped and looked at me fully.

"I can't," I shook my head.

"You can," she pressed softly. "All you have to do is pick up the phone."

"I wouldn't know what to say."

"You'll say how you feel. That you miss her," she shrugged, and I shook my head, "No. It'll seem like I'm admitting that I need her."

"We all need our parents, Lee," she put down her brush and palette, walking over to where I stood leaning against a table. "I know it really hurt, and I'm sorry things went down between you two like that, but she's putting a lot of effort into trying to talk to you. I'm just thinking that it's not too late to build a relationship with her. We never really know how much time anyone has left."

I looked at her, unable to say anything.

"Will you try to consider it, at least?" She looked at me, our eyes not leaving each other's.

"I can try," I responded, although I wasn't very sure.

                                              -

"What? Don't judge me!" Zuri laughed shyly, and I chuckled, "I'm not judging you. I'm honestly just surprised... somewhat envious, too."

"Why will you be envious that I haven't been fingered before?"

My mind went back to the time I'd spent with Luna, and I shook my head, "I don't know, I just appreciate your innocence, I guess. It's admirable. When I think about Luna now, I wish I didn't spend a whole year on her."

"Did you like her that much?" Zuri asked softly, as if she was scared to even ask.

"I did," I answered, "and I feel stupid for it."

"You're sorry about the way you feel?"

"Felt," I corrected. "I want nothing to do with Luna again. I feel stupid for wasting all those emotions on her."

"Yeah, but you didn't know, did you?" she comforted. "If you did, you wouldn't have been there, still. When you love, you just love hard. Nothing wrong with that."

"Thank you, Zuri," I rested my head against her shoulder. "You have a way of making everything better."

"Let's do something fun," I heard her say, and I dragged my head away from her  shoulders to look at her, "I heard there's a party at the dorm by the design faculty. Let's go there."

"I was going to say we should go to Nando's, but okay," she playfully rolled her eyes.

"We go to the party tonight, then we go get some Nando's tomorrow," I bargained, and Zuri grinned, "Let's do it."