Pieces of You

01.5

a r i a
TW: attempted suicide
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I couldn't believe it.
This couldn't be my reality.
I refused to accept it, but there you were. Nothing more than a small bump, and yet you were my greatest fear.
How long has it been?
Two weeks?
Two months?
Was it possible?
It felt like years had passed me by in this room of endless walls and misery. Flipping to the back of the journal, I peeled back the piece of loose leather and counted the strikes etched into the material.
Four.
I had been trapped in this hell for four months.
I felt a tear roll down my cheek and onto the page. The paper soaked up the drop of moisture and the ink smeared. Over and over my tears dropped across the page until the words were no longer legible.
Oh god.
I clenched the journal in my fist so tight I heard the spine snap. It trembled in my grasp and eventually fell to the stone floor as I lost control of my muscles.
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't think.
Oh, Malarkey how much I needed you at this moment.
I slid along the wall until my butt hit the floor. I gasped for breath as I curled into a ball, the back against my wall a solid protector.
He wouldn't be able to sneak up on me at my weakest moment. Not again. Never again. That was a promise I made to myself. And now to you my little one.
I hugged my stomach protectively as I fought the screams stinging at my throat. At that moment, I couldn't decide if this was the best thing to ever happen to me or my nightmare.
A baby.
Our baby.
Bile stung my throat as I fought to make it to the sink in time. The porcelain turned horrendous a mix of colors as I emptied the contents of my stomach into the sink. I couldn't be pregnant. Not like this. It was no place to raise a child and I refused to put my baby through this hell.
I cupped my stomach, an unfamiliar smile curling my lips as I thought of the little bundle of joy growing in my stomach. What they might look like. Who they'd become. The love we'd share and the future they would have.
My smile fell at that.
There would be no future for this baby.
I couldn't let James ruin another innocent life.
I wouldn't allow it.
With my mind made up, I turned on the tap and left it to run until the sink was once again clean. I pushed the metal plug into the drain and watched it fill with water until it reached the top. I reached over and turned the water back off as it sloshed and shook in anticipation as I stepped closer.
My reflection shone in the blue waves. Black curls tangled and in a pile on the back of my neck that moved with the reflection as I twisted and looked at the bruises lining my neck and collarbone. They were bright and blue against my pale skin. Almost like my eyes. Except they were no longer the luminous blue I had grown up with. They were dark and dead, the light in them drowned and stolen by James. Not even the tears beginning to well up sparked them back to life.
The water came to life as I breathed, rippling and creating waves the closer I came. With one last blink, I submerged myself beneath the icy waters. It sent a shock through my body as it rose and cupped the back of my neck until I was beneath it completely.
Instead of the fear I had anticipated, I felt nothing but peace. And acceptance. This was the best thing for me and the baby.
As time passed and I lost my fight to keep the water out of my lungs, I cupped my belly and promised them a better life. It was when the water flooded my systems, my hand cradling my baby, and my life draining that I said my last goodbye.
I'm sorry Malarkey.
    Xx Ma