Jennie
"Jennie. Finally. I was expecting you home from that rubbish place that you work at ages ago. I have some amazing news. I have it on good authority that a certain young man is planning a big prom-posal for you. Isn't that amazing. Everyone can see you and Taehyung together, you'll have this crown in the bag."
I'm going to be sick. I can't deal with this now. Can she not see how broken I am? My heart feels like it's in a million tiny pieces and she's talking about a prom date that I don't even want.
"I'm not feeling so good. Excuse me."
I don't wait for her reply before dashing to my room. With the door locked behind me, I crawl under the covers of my bed fully clothed and I finally let the tears loose. I lay on my side curled up in a foetal position. The pillow was cold and damp under my cheek with all the tears shed. I cry for the end of my first real relationship, I cry for the loss of the person that helped me find the real me. Mostly I cry for myself, because I don't know how to live without Lisa anymore.
She's the best thing that ever happened to me and I've always kept her hidden, like she's a dirty little secret. I never bring her around my house, we always go to her place. Why didn't I ever admit to being friends with her? I know why, because I don't want to upset my family dynamics. There was no way that my parents would allow us to be friends, she doesn't fit with their image. They only want me to stick to the pre-approved friends and by the looks of it, partners in life too.
Why am I such a coward?
The most I've rebelled with was my job. Dad wanted me to get a job because it will look good on college applications but my mom did not approve when she found out that I was working for a measly salary in a grocery store. Everyone wanted me to quit, but I liked the job. Plus I was starting to like my new co-worker. Lisa's funny and easy-going manner kept me wanting to go back, she made work fun. Even before we realised that there was more to our friendship.
And we never told anyone.
I can't even think of anyone that I would feel comfortable enough to tell. My parents are definitely out, I've heard the odd comment from them through the years that gives me the impression that they will not be happy that their daughter is a lesbian. My friends, that will be worst. They buy into the same bull shit that my parents live by.
The whole nonsense about how some people of a certain society background will not mould well with ours, so we should keep a distance. If it wasn't for Lisa, I probably would be brainwashed by the family ideals. I think a part of me didn't want to believe the world was an 'us versus them' place, that's why I got the job which I wanted. It gave me a real look at life, outside the stuffy parties where everyone is trying to show off how perfect they are. My so-called friends use high school as their practise grounds for their future equally stuffy parties. Making the connections and alliances to help further the careers that their parents have been primping them for.
No, there is no one that I would feel safe to come out to. They will all judge me and worst, try to change me. Well, there's not even anything to tell anymore. Tomorrow, I have to face everybody and pretend that I'm not fractured into teeny-tiny pieces. I have to pretend that my life is normal and that I'm not affected by some creepy guy touching me inappropriately and the horrible gossip.
So tonight, I'm not moving from this spot. This bed is my new safe space. I miss Lisa.
