Seeking Gaston Lynx Esquivel

Chapter 34

Muli niyang marahas na pinunasan ang kanyang mga mata sa sagot ko.

"You are begging me to let you go?...Ganon mo kagustong putulin ang meron sa atin ngayon?" He asked almost faintly this time, like he can't believe himself that he is asking that question to me.

"Yes. I want to cut off anything between us right now." I do not know what pushed me to say those words, straight to him without stuttering a single word.

He looked down from a moment then slowly nodded his head. 

"Okay…" He shut his eyes tightly. "If that's what you want." He didn't even look at me while saying those words.

Parang ako naman ang binagsakan ng langit sa sagot niya. My chest suddenly felt heavier with his words. Para akong kakapusin ng hininga.

Everything is over between us, right?

Nakuha ko na ang gusto kong sagot pero halos gusto ko ng mamatay sa sakit ng nararamdaman ko. Why was my chest so heavy? Why do I feel like dying with his answer?

He covered his eyes with his palm then harshly wiped his eyes again. I tried composing myself one more time, for the last time, tumayo ako ng matuwid at linakasan pa lalo ang loob ko.

Then he spoke. "I'll go first. My driver will drive you home."

We bravely locked our eyes, and now, he is void of emotion.

Parang gusto ko na lang ulit bawiin ang mga salita ko sa kanya. I do not want those eyes looking at me like that. I can't even imagine those eyes looked at me like that.

He hardly breathed in deeply, then continued looking at me the same.

"Goodbye." He bit his lips, and with that he turned his back and walked away from me.

I watched him walk away from me. I was rooted in my place. And before I'd even realized it, I started making steps to follow him but was halted quickly.

What am I doing?

Everything is over between us. Tinapos ko na ang meron kami kahit wala pa naman talaga kaming nasimulan. His words were marked with finality.

Tapos na, wala na.

I quickly wiped away my tears and breathed in deeply. With my trembling knees I rode the elevator. I tried to look as composed as possible hanggang sa makababa na ako.

I didn't look back anymore nor looked at the reaction of the people in the lobby. Dali-dali akong bumaba ng entrance at nakaabang nga sa akin ang driver na naghatid rin sa akin kanina.

Kaagad akong umiwas ng tingin sa kanya bago pa niya ako masilayan na palabas. I quickly got in one of the taxis waiting outside. I told my address at tuluyan na nga akong umalis.

I just want to go home.

Tuluyan ulit bumagsak ang mga luha ko. I've tried to not make a sound but I can't control myself.

I've been preparing for this moment for weeks, and I thought it wouldn't hurt this much. Pero halos hindi ko maramdaman ang sarili ko sa sakit.

"Ma'am, okay lang po kayo?" The driver asked me and looked at me through the reviewer mirror.

"O-okay lang po, Manong." Pilit na boses kong sagot.

All throughout the entire time, he kept on looking at me habang patuloy pa rin ang pag iyak ko.

"Manong, pwede po bang ihatid niyo na rin ako sa terminal, kukunin ko lang po ang gamit ko sa apartment."

Alanganin siyang tumingin sa akin pero tumango rin kalaunan. "O-okay po, Ma'am"