Anna

17 - Poolside

Content warning: drug addiction

Ellie fought sleep with every ounce of energy, but that only left her feeling more exhausted. By the fourth day of her sleep boycott, no amount of reading, cold showers, or fingernails to the arm could keep her awake. When her knees kept giving out, she sat on the edge of her bed. The voice in the back of her head told her it was okay to rest her head against the tempting pillow.

She was strong enough to fight sleep, even against the soft, soft mattress.

Stay awake.

Eventually, her tired, burning eyes betrayed her. The threat of sleep coerced her deeper and deeper until she sank so far into the mattress that she doubted she'd ever get up again. Maybe, just maybe, she would be fine. She could close her eyes for just one second. She would be fine.

Once again, Ellie found herself in front of the chipped brown door of Apartment 2C. Her hand reached for the loose doorknob, even though she did not want it to. Her wrist turned and pushed the door open to reveal her childhood apartment. She had been there enough after falling asleep to know and dread what waited for her.

"Mom?" Ellie's legs propelled her forward against her will. She braced for what was around the corner. As she cautiously stepped into the living room, fear struck her, even though she knew what waited for her.

Eleanor laid motionless on the floor, a needle stuck into her arm. Ellie ran forward and fell to her knees, shaking her mother's lifeless shoulders. When she pulled her hands away, blood coated her palms, even though there was no sign of injury.

Her breath trembled, and it became more and more shallow with every shaky inhale.

"Wake up," she begged, even though it never worked. She returned her bloody hands to Eleanor's shoulders and shook, smearing red handprints against her mother's clothing. "Mom, wake up! Wake up!"

With every cry, more air left her lungs until nothing came in or out. Her mother's head limply swayed against Ellie's desperate attempts to get her to open her eyes.

Hovering over Eleanor's pale, dead body, every fiber of Ellie's soul longed to scream, to run, to do literally anything besides the now-silent and futile attempts to rouse her mother.

Through suffocating lungs, her blood-covered hand reached towards her throat. The lack of oxygen made her dizzy, but she could not pass out. She clawed at her throat, spreading blood across her skin as her chest threatened to implode.

Ellie's lungs filled with air again in a dramatic gasp and her eyes flew open. As she struggled to catch her breath, her eyes darted back and forth. A curtain of her own hair masked her vision, but she knew she was in her own room. Not the apartment, not the basement; her room. She parted her curls and searched the shadows to confirm she was alone.

When her heart returned to its normal rate, she swung her now-functioning legs over the edge of her bed, ignoring the dull aches in her muscles. She hurried downstairs, hoping to leave behind whatever that dream was.

Joe and Tessa's house stood eerily still at nighttime. She wandered into the backyard where everything sat in peaceful silence and darkness. The full moon shimmered in the black pool, only slightly disturbed by the breeze that sent soft ripples through the water.

Still reeling, Ellie dipped her feet in the pool, allowing the cool water to root her back in reality. She sighed and laid back to look at the post-midnight sky, bathing under the stars' gentle shimmer.

It was just a dream.

It may have been just a dream, but it still haunted her like a vengeful ghost. At least in the basement, if she really needed an escape, she slept. Now every minute she spent awake was a minute where she checked over her shoulder and every night was one where she had to relive the death of someone who was very much alive.

"Want some company?"

Ellie tilted her eyes to find Tessa standing over her.

"What's on your mind?" Tessa asked. She lowered herself on the pool's stone coping and laid her head back.

Everything.

"Nothing."

Tessa raised her eyebrows.

"Really? Because I'm always awake at three in the morning for nothing, too."

Ellie let out a heavy breath and rested her hands atop her head.

"I had another nightmare."

Tessa's inquisitive brows managed to go even higher. Ellie hesitated, then added, "Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing."

"The right thing about what?"

"Leaving the basement."

Tessa's face fell and she stirred for a minute. Ellie immediately wished she'd kept her thoughts to herself. At least in the basement, she didn't have to worry about disappointing anyone she cared about.

"Can I tell you a secret? I have nightmares, too. About what would have happened if they never found you."

Confusion wrinkled Ellie's forehead and she propped herself up on her elbows.

"You do?"

"Yeah. It's hard to imagine what you had to go through and what could've happened to you."

"You don't have to pity me."

"I don't pity you. I care about you."

Guilt and embarrassment punched Ellie in the gut. She sat up and swirled her feet around the water, which splashed against the night's silence. She searched for the courage to tell Tessa what she wanted to say when another voice interrupted them.

"What's going on?" A barely-awake Joe shuffled behind them, rubbing his eyes.

"We're just talking," Tessa said with a gentle smile. Joe yawned and stretched his arms.

"Okay. I'll get the ice cream."

As Joe stumbled back inside, Ellie wondered why she couldn't tell Tessa the truth.

Ellie looked to the stars and moon for answers one last time. They seemed to carry no wisdom, so she turned to Tessa.

"I don't dream about the basement." Tessa's feet paused in the water. "I just say that so I don't have to admit that my dreams—my nightmares—are... are about my mom. I wish she was here, but how can I miss someone I think I might hate?"

"Oh, Ellie..." Tessa rubbed her back in small circles.

"Everyone thinks I'm supposed to be happy that I'm free. I know He was cruel and did awful things, but maybe if I just loved him the way I was supposed to..." Her voice trailed off and hopelessness crept in.

"What he did to you wasn't love, Ellie; it was manipulation. No matter what you could've done, he would have taken more and more until there was nothing left of you."

"I know." Ellie's eyes lowered in shame, but Tessa pulled her closer. They sat in silence on the edge of the pool until Joe came back with a carton of ice cream and three spoons. His feet joined theirs in the water. As the soft clinking of spoons restored the night's gentle peace, Ellie's mind still raced.

By the time the morning sun began to rise, what remained of the ice cream had melted and all three pairs of feet were wrinkled and pale. While staring up at the dusty orange sky, the split ends of Ellie's hair tickled her wrist.

"Do you think my mom will ever come back for me?"

Tessa's head lifted from where it rested on Joe's shoulder. "I hope so."

A sigh escaped Tessa's chest, and Ellie knew it was one of regret.

She wanted to rid herself of her nightmares. Thoughts of her mother were not so bad when Tessa and Joe were around. But she couldn't stick by their side forever. At the edge of the pool, in the early morning light, she decided that the only logical solution would be to just not sleep.