Futile Devices | Park Jay

XII

"And words are futile devices."
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I treated you best. I loved you more than myself and I'd do anything for you. The way you looked at me was enough for me to say you were the one. The way you smiled and laughed was enough for me to get through the day. The way you touched me was enough to make me feel like enough.

You were there outside my door when I was at my lowest, waiting for me to come out the room. You gave me my meals in bed when the depression took over. You motivated me to get power through it all. I wondered how you were doing mentally at times, but thought that you wouldn't be doing any of this if you weren't okay. I was context knowing you were alright.

I never saw the purpose of words. They're empty almost all the time and don't mean anything. Consequently, I never understood if it was just my mentality or my upbringing that brought me to this position. But one thing was for sure, your words were never empty. I felt them speaking from your brain and heart, even your soul. The passion in your voice when talking about your interests and your expressions when talking, too.

It makes me resent myself on the deepest level. Knowing I let you go. Knowing I made you feel unloved. Knowing I could not utter "I love you". Knowing I was never enough. Knowing all I ever did was bring you burden. You were almost my mother. Just like every relationship, we had ups and downs. But there seemed to be more downs than ups; and they were almost always because of me.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for a relationship. Maybe I'm destined to be alone. Destiny works in mysterious ways anyway. Who am I to change fate?

If only you had stayed long enough to hear what I had to say to you that night you left.

"I do deeply appreciate you Jay. You treated me like no other and treated me to a level I do not deserve and never will. You make my heart flutter and my dull days bright with only your voice. My heart bangs against my chest whenever you are close to me or whenever you hug me or kiss me or cuddle me or sleep next to me or hold me. Every time you said you loved me I could not let it out. I cried and regretted endlessly and questioned why I could not bring myself to say it back when I do love you so..." I sniffled, holding a picture frame of you on my lap, caressing your face, "but now I know why."

"Words are futile devices."