Me? Just me.

I (Don't) Have Mental Issues (I Swear A Lot)

Sometimes I wish somebody could come to my house and stab me while I was asleep. It's kinda bad and full of depression, but I guess I'm just too tired to deal with nearly anything. I don't like to feel pain, I don't want to be hurt. I just... hate to live.

Yeah, I hate to deal with some bullshit events everyday. At least I can get some peaceful moment while I'm asleep, but I just can't sleep every fucking moments.

I swear, I hate every fucking moment that I am alive. Don't we humans all just die anyway? Why don't gods see me as an exception land let me die sooner?

Fuck my life.

I can't kill myself, it's a pain in the ass. Either way, I just don't like how the world seem like it be. Like, do you have parents who control your accounts on EVERY social media?? I have, and it disturbing. I can't search for something that is not related to studying. Quite bad, but as I got older, things got... less intense. I get to read, to post what I like. But like, the pain never goes away. They never want me to get an 8/10 on tests. Do you know how hard it is to score a freaking 67/80 on a advanced English test, and then get scolded because that wasn't a fucking full mark? And fucking no, I was 13 and that test was for someone who is going for university.

How am I supposed to deal with my life? Mom's wishes are to get me a shitty doctor as a husband, a boring job so I can survive through the days and a paper that said "Advanced Qualification". My dream? Doesn't really matter to her. As if my dream was her dream.

I know this is so childish, but that wasn't all of that. I used to be bullied because of my look (well, not anymore). They used to call me fat, in a bad way, and that I was too ugly that even my existence is a shame to humanity. Sometimes they even called me a dog who could only bark for food. Yes, I used to lived that kind of life. It not really THAT bad, and they don't really physically hurt me. Well, sometimes they do, but it didn't gone far as you might thought.

Everything ended when I got 12. I moved to a new school, I have new friends, I think I can say I am "happy". The past does bother me a few times, but I've grown. It's easier to hide feelings when your older, so yeah, I hide my ptsd thoughts. And no, I don't think I have ptsd.

I am also scared of being alone, and scared if someday everyone will leave me. That thought is the fucking last wall I built to keep me from killing myself right away.

I do get traumatized sometimes. I would hold scissors and place it on my hand, however, I didn't cut myself. I just do that. I cried, I scratched myself. ( Please don't tell me I have abandoned issues, because I know so damn well I have ). Anyway, I was kinda stressed when I was writing this, so excuse for the grammar errors and mistakes. I don't have anyone to share right now, so I just write some bullshit in hope of feeling better.

So now, happy things. I am going to write a kaiisa fanfic ( cause why not? They're cute:3 ) I don't know if I should write it in Eng or not, but give your own advice. I like to get some attention from my work so that I don't feel like I am transparent, so excuse me if I cared too much about the views. Like, I'm just happy that my work was not just some bullshit I wrote as a fucking depress child. Oops, now I feel like a toddler.

...yeah. Hope you don't mind me, an author, a human being who has some mental issues and just can't deal with it herself.