(i'm worried) it will always be you

Chapter 12 - I'm sorry if I hurt anyone

Sunday, February 3rd, 2019. Spring semester senior year. What should have been the day of Sapnap and Karl's first date.

"Should we, um, you're sure you don't want to invite everyone else?" Karl mumbled, toying with the hem of another one of Sapnap's t-shirts he had stolen.

Karl's hair was still dripping from their shower, creating dark gray droplets on his shoulders. Sapnap was nearly too caught up in admiring the way Karl's skin looked like it was glowing with warmth from the hot water; he nearly missed Karl's apprehension.

"Pretty sure we'd get our shit rocked by drunk idiots if we tried to drag any of them out of bed right now." Sapnap shrugged, tilting his head to the side when his lighthearted answer didn't seem to soothe Karl's worries.

"Right, yeah. They're all still drunk." Karl said, though it sounded more like he was reminding himself, rather than agreeing with Sapnap.

"Is this... too much?" Sapnap asked, vaguely gesturing to the space between them. The distance couldn't have been greater than ten feet, but it was starting to feel like Karl was an entire world away.

"No! No, not like- no." Karl rushed, taking a step forward, but not closing the gap.

Panic was rising in Sapnap's chest.

He came on too strong, he hadn't given Karl any time to adjust- hell, he hadn't even given himself any time to adjust.

"Sorry." Sapnap said under his breath, looking back at the mirror. The edges held onto the slightest bit of condensation, but his reflection was far too clear for his liking.

"I want to go to breakfast- go on a date with you." Karl corrected himself halfway through his sentence, but the heavy feeling in Sapnap's chest didn't lighten in the slightest.

He had almost become accustomed to the pit in his stomach that formed when Karl was around him. He always assumed that pit- that void- was caused by all the things he wished he could have with Karl, but couldn't.

Now, here he was, every part of Karl imaginable at his fingertips, yet the pit in his stomach was just as bottomless as before.

Maybe it was that look in Karl's eyes that made him feel this way.

The gray looked gray- not silver. The light reflecting in his eyes wasn't sparkling the way it always had. The innocence that accompanied their down-turned structure only seemed to convey sadness.

He ruined Karl.

Sapnap's eyes fluttered shut, his hands hanging on desperately to the edge of the vanity with a white-knuckled grip.

He ruined him. He ruined him. He ruined him.

This entire time, the four years he spent shoving down every feeling he ever had for Karl, at the core of it all, it was always for Karl. He was protecting Karl. Sapnap knew that loving Karl openly meant tearing down the person Karl is.

Sapnap's love is exhausting. He wished it wasn't, wished he could bring everyone the same joy and laughter Karl does, wished he wasn't miserable at baseline.

Who was he to subject Karl to that- to deal with what it means for him to be in love with him? Who was Sapnap to think he had any right to taint the person Karl is- to turn him into a mere shadow of his previous self, because of all the ways that loving him would inevitably wear Karl down?

"Whoa, where did you just go?"

Sapnap sucked in a sharp breath, the feeling of warm hands remained pressed against his skin, not deterred by the way he flinched from their contact.