Lost Star~Ateez OT8

No, I Can't

*Nyx. Get your ass out here* - Callie
I groaned and looked at Yeosang putting my hands on his face and he chuckled at me and got off of me, helping me sit up again. Before we went back into the living room I put on a pair of leggings, still wearing Yunhos shirt and Yeosangs sweater. He took me in his arms and brought us back into the living room and sat us down beside Callie and Seungmin. My face was still red and I looked at her. She leaned closer to my ear and whispered
*Whore* sitting back against Seungmin we both started killing ourselves laughing and I readjusted Yeosangs sweater so it was covering my neck a little more.
If anyone else noticed they didn’t point it out. But Callie and I are like that with each other and I looked at her and saw a dark mark just peaking out of her shirt so I leaned closer to her to whisper in her ear
*Slut* sitting back against Yeosang we both started laughing even harder. Getting some weird looks from everyone else but they were lightly laughing at us
When my babies were done cleaning they all came and joined us in the living room, half of them are going outside to practice shooting and throwing knives. The other half will be training on the mats, including me. It’s time to start my self defense lessons in the training room in the basement.

Laid out on my back on the floor, a panting sweaty mess.
*damn babe are you sure this is only your second time training? Because holy fuck are you ever a feisty one* - Hongjoong
*Yeah Joongie. My second time. And thanks* still trying to catch my breath he came and stood over me. Leaning down and picking me up under my arms to help me stand back up. He kissed me quick and we began another round, this time with Yeosang as well just in case I ever need to fight off two people at once.
We started again and I dodged everything they threw at me, pretend punches and kicks to get myself in the habit of defending myself against everything, and I did good. At least I think I did, I managed to dodge everything from them, my reflexes like lightning
And it looked like they were about to stop so I was starting to settle down and started trying to catch my breath when an arm went around my chest and I froze up for a second, the anger coursing through my veins, automatically my elbow went into his abdomen and I grabbed his arm with my other hand digging my nails into his wrist and flipped myself sideways so he could let go but he didn’t and we landed on the ground and his grip around my shoulder only tightened. I can get myself out of this. I felt him move his other arm around my waist squeezing me against his body and I got even more angry, as hard as I could I grabbed both of his wrists and peeled his arms off my body and as quick as I could I flipped myself over resting my arm against his neck and putting my legs on both of his arms pinning them against the ground
My eyebrows furrowed and my breathing heavy, all I see is red and my hands are shaking violently from being so fucking angry. It took me a minute to calm down and see that I had Mingi pinned on the ground. I calmed down and started apologizing to him profusely and attacking his face with kisses
*Angel eyes calm down, its okay, they asked me to do this to help with your training*

*But I elbowed you, and hurt you and I feel really bad now*
“Angel don’t feel bad, this is training. You reacted the way you should if someone tries to grab you like that, and you didn’t give up even when I put my other arm around you and we landed on the ground. How did you think so fast to get out of that position?*
*Oh, um. Well. I’ve honestly been so angry the whole time I’ve been doing training, all those times I got beat and used and could never defend myself came into my head. I actually started seeing red and my hands started shaking from how angry I was getting. I didn’t even realize that it was you until I took a minute to calm down. I’m sorry*
I rested my head against his shoulder, my body starting to shake again, both out of anger and from a flashback coming on. It feels so much different then the flashbacks I've had before and there was nothing I could do
I felt him hug me against his body and rest his head against mine, my body shaking hard and this time my vision and mind was consumed in this flashback.
The times when I used to get beat by my parents, to Michael hurting me, to the time when I was with a mafia group and I was being kicked repeatedly on the sidewalk and feeling the blood dripping from my body, to when I got used and passed around until I passed out from the pain. My body reliving the pain that I had gone through from it, reliving the times I was stabbed and shot, I couldn’t help myself and I let out a blood curdling scream and started thrashing in his arms
Because right now my brain can’t tell the difference from Mingi holding me to the times I was being abused and tortured
He let go of me and gently laid me on my back and looked into my eyes but it only made me freak out worse and I started bawling my eyes out and curled up into a ball, still shaking
I heard Hongjoong tell Yeosang to go get Callie and telling Mingi to step away from me for now because I was too consumed in ptsd flashbacks and he listened
A couple minutes later I felt Callies hand on my shoulder and I moved my hands from the sides of my head, tears still coming down my cheeks and I looked at her with wide eyes
*I’m right here babe, it’s okay, you’re here with me right now*
She took my hands in hers and started counting to ten and it did help me calm down. I sat up and looked at her with tears still coming from my eyes and threw myself in her arms and started shaking again
Hands on my back made me jump really hard and I turned my head with wide eyes to see Hongjoong kneeling beside me with sad eyes, I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him into me. He lifted me up in his arms telling the others we’re done for the day and brought us to the main floor and into his room, laying us both down on the bed, he covered me up and started giving me light kisses all over my face and whispered to me over and over that he loves me
*Can you get the rest of the guys in here please?* my voice quivering and he nodded to me and he called for the guys to come in here, a couple minutes later they were all in his room and Hongjoong seemed to know what I wanted and motioned for them to lay down on the bed around me, Seonghwa laying on the other side of me and the rest of the guys laid down on the bed, each putting a hand on me, their soft whispers saying that they love me
And I blacked out, feeling them all with me made me feel better and safe. My body done being in fight or flight mode, at least for now