Status: Open
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Looking for a place to get a personal review for your story? Well, step in.
A workshop initiative by @TheSavantGirls since 2020
cover credits: @devianmisfit
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Warning labels: The book was deleted once by someone who has beef again...
Dion Moreau , the heir to Moreau Entertainment. An arrogant rich spoiled brat who likes to bath in the overflowing CashTub. He is addicted to every single bad thing you could think of right now. But what separates him from other "TypIcAL BAd bOys" is women. Yes You heard it right. He doesn't do relationships. Past trauma? You say. Nah he is just Living in his "Love makes a man fool" era. But What's gonna happen when this certain black-haired woman will crash into his territory and evoke these possessive & Protective feelings inside him. Will he fight those feelings or let this certain 5'4 girl change his Cash ways?
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Disclaimer: While I was reading your book with my best effort to stay unbiased, I might not catch your intended style for your characters, storyline, or purposes. By the end of the day, you control its narrative. I was just passing through, exploring around, and giving a deduction.
Overall review:
The font is nice but the cover has no originality. The blurb has glaring grammar mistakes: commas and capital letters. But I gave this book the benefit of the doubt.
Smart move on the opening hook. Definitely caught my attention since they were pretty bold without context. The curses didn't need the first letter capitalised in the middle of sentences. Your grammar was okay actually until I saw eventual missing commas in the middle of the first chapter. Then I read the 17th paragraph and onwards. What happened? There were unnecessary first capital letters, no space between periods, a few paragraphs weren't broken up, a missing period, and a lot more. Though the next thing I know, the 22nd paragraph's grammar was back to being okay. I don't know why with this inconsistency, and the chapters after had the same problem. I cannot pinpoint every grammatical error like you wanted in About The Story chapter, but I will suggest Grammarly and ProWritingAid to help you. Don't fully rely on them since they don't detect all mistakes, so you still need to read more proficient books. And check your book again.
I noticed the tenses. Past and present tenses were changing so often. Like 'Adrenaline is coursing through my veins like never before.' 'I sighed and took my ass to the most comfortable and luxurious seat ever.' 'The anger and frustration radiating from him is strong enough to make my skin burn. Even though my dad was far away, the strength of his feelings were (was btw) still evident.' Pick one tense and run with it for the whole book (unless it's for a flashback or things that had happened without a scene). I was surprised when there was a sudden 3rd POV in the middle of chapter three. No warning. Pick one type of POV only. How will you do it with his parents' scene is up to you.
Severely lacking body expressions and scenic descriptions. Despite Dion and Elara being very dynamic, as seen from the dialogues, it helps to connect readers to them if they can visualise the couple in their mind more clearly. The characters were not boring at all, but Elara was too childish for her age (assuming she's around Dion's age). I expected this from Dion since he's a spoiled rich guy, so I wasn't bothered much until Elara came in. I don't know if that's your intention, but if it is, I can't say much. If it's not, perhaps take a step back and out of Elara and Dion's minds. What would you feel when you read them?
It's really interesting when Dion vehemently didn't want women around him. But be careful of the thin line between him being that or being a misogynist, regardless of his reason.
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