Status: Open
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Looking for a place to get a personal review for your story? Well, step in.
A workshop initiative by @TheSavantGirls since 2020
cover credits: @devianmisfit
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Warning labels: The book was deleted once by someone who has beef again...
There's a war in London. No one knows how it truly started, but those caught in the fray can either struggle or thrive due to the nation-wide influence of two formidable factions: the Crimson Syndicate and the Brotherhood of the Verita Aser. Two separate organisations, each battling for triumph over the other.
Lennox, a Verita florist, is one of those struggling. He's given an impossible task: to balance his failing family business with his judgemental and egotistical parents. A run-in with Ren Ryker--a talented gunman from the opposing faction--might just be his long-awaited escape route.
Ren, on the other hand, should be thriving. Each job he completes earns him constant praise from his leader and brings the slightly sadistic Crimson Syndicate closer to victory. By his standards, he should be flourishing in every sense of the word. But despite his accomplishments, a single failed mission loses him the Syndicate's trust, and he's beginning to realise that killing Lennox and his family may be the only way to stop his previously unrivalled success from crumbling before his eyes.
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Disclaimer: While I was reading your book with my best effort to stay unbiased, I might not catch your intended style for your characters, storyline, or purposes. By the end of the day, you control its narrative. I was just passing through, exploring around, and giving a deduction.
Overall review:
The gorgeous cover hooked me right in. Compliments to its designer. The title is unique and eye-catching. The blurb is long (side note, nation-wide should be nationwide), but straightforward without giving any hint about the cause of the conflict which is good. The content inside, however, caused conflicts within me.
Great job in setting up the environments, and your use of vocab was wonderful. But I noticed you omitted several linking verbs and others. For example: "damage my nails messing" could be "damage my nails by messing" or "made himself busy, mixing up" could be "made himself busy by mixing up..." I'm unsure why. Probably to make space for descriptions or to avoid the dragging feel, but omitting these words holds back the flow a little. Some sentences could flow better like "leaving it to her eldest son to manage her family's run-down shop" into "leaving her family's run-down shop under her eldest son's management" or "An hour or so after the battle subsided" into "After the battle subsided for an hour or so..." These are suggestions only. I was and still am confused about this sentence. "Lennox had a few other hobbies that helped bring in income for his family, however ungrateful." Who is ungrateful? Him? If that's the case, why would he be since his hobbies bring extra benefits? If his family is supposed to be ungrateful, there's no indication of it. It could be "for his family, however, they are ungrateful." About Lennox's part of the story. Good descriptions of his past hardships. Work on his emotions and body expressions more because his sharp thoughts weren't enough to make me feel connected to the character. I'd love to see examples of his mom using her skills to avoid them getting killed since it's been his key to survival for a long time.
I really like Ren. Super intrigued about his secret, great work on his dimensions and relationships, and an effective way of eventual info about personal matters instead of infodumping. But some synonyms on his part were unnecessary and should be kept simple.
There's this redundant emphasis on certain things. Examples like "all to maintain their image as a rich, happy family," "due to his parents' reckless spending," "he didn't care a whole lot when it came to his appearance, but his mother did," and other few that don't need to be included. Because several descriptions and dialogues had shown his parents' unhealthy habits and hypocrisy clearly already. Trust your readers that they can read the lines carefully and continue on. If a few of them skim through your words and somehow still miss reading between those lines in just a couple of chapters, that's their problem. Like the guy who commented 'appeared male and clunky way' thing. Yes, I like to stalk other people's comments, it's one of my MO.
I like how the story developed as I reached chapter 6. The assassin romance can turn into a cliche quickly, but this one has subverted the usual formula so far.
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