Reverie Reviews

review #47.S3: City of Whispers

Title: City of Whispers

Author: SaraMaurelli
Reviewer: LadyInLostYearn

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SYNOPSIS

Drebourne, the Dream city, year 3027. Two siblings from the chaos faction, one of the seven ruling the city, embark on an extraordinary journey. Kyle and Ella Drage, born into power, grapple with their own unique abilities amidst a world shaped by elemental forces. In a city where water, fire, air, earth, death, chaos and destruction govern existence, along with the long lost light faction, the Drage siblings' paths intersect with a tapestry of lives bound by enigma.

Kyle's charisma hides his burdens as the governor's son, while Ella's unmanifested powers fuel her desire to prove herself. As these lives intertwine, secrets unfurl, and allegiances shift, unveiling truths that challenge their perceptions of power and identity.

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Disclaimer: While I was reading your book with my best effort to stay unbiased, I might not have caught your intended style for your characters, storyline, or purposes. By the end of the day, you control its narrative. I was just passing through, exploring around, and giving a deduction.

Overall review:

The cover is attractive enough and the blurb is clear. Diving into the first paragraph in Chapter 1, I immediately noticed that dreamcity didn't have space between dream and city. All while 'the Dream City' was written in the next line. I figured I might be too fussy too soon since it was no big deal, though it showed how the writing plays out later.

I'm going technical first. 'I responded handing over the 5 golden coins', 'Ella followed me inside, her energy a welcome companion', and more others that were missing words. 'Responded' should be followed with 'by' and 'energy' should be with 'is'. I'm unsure about why these words were omitted. Even this, 'It was impressive, no doubt, not really my style' created confusion in me when 'but' wasn't included. Was 'impressive' not his style or another meaning? Now, there are two things I must note. '...or react badly if she ends up having no powers at the party , everyone is able to show their powers by their 16th birthday...' Should be no space before a comma, and separate two sentences by a full stop or by 'and' when there are two subjects. An action beat should not be a dialogue tag like this, '...she just can't" tears slowly started forming into my eyes.' (Side note: in my eyes, not into) There were missing full stops and spaces between words, and many -ly adverbs, so try to reduce them.

The main issue is redundancy which causes drag. A lot of 'as we' and 'as I'. Not wrong, but lessen them. For example, 'Just as I was about to retrieve my books, a voice from behind me startled me' could be varied into 'When I was about to retrieve my books, a voice startled me from behind.' In Chapter 2, one of these, 'Lyla's voice was gentle and soothing' and 'Lyla informed me, her tone kind, should be cut out since they both were not far from each other's paragraphs. The readers know Lyla is a kind character, and there's no need to drive it home. This particular issue is consistent throughout the chapters, creating a slow pace. Another example, '"I chuckled softly, grateful for Lyla's lightheartedness' and 'I laughed softly, appreciating Lyla's playful spirit' were happening in one scene. And the last one, 'Her life hasn't been a walk in the park, let's put it that way. Being married to the illustrious Ahan Drage, the Governor of Chaos himself, wasn't exactly a stroll through the garden.' Whether a walk in the park or a stroll through the garden, one of them would be enough since we already know that it's not easy for her.

Another thing I noticed was that every turn of a speaker was described almost every time. It's not a must to use action beats and dialogue tags whenever only two characters are involved. Some dialogues would've carried the tone on their own. All of this made the expository about the world and characters like infodumps, which is a shame because this story has amazing worldbuilding and dynamic characters. The concept of Chaos power gripped my attention, and I wanted to know more.

From the main issue comes the second main. Little room for readers to read between the lines. Or to put it simply, lacking subtext. An example, 'When I propped myself up on my elbows, relishing the easy camaraderie we shared', I didn't feel anything about their sibling love. Because of how early and little Kyle and Ella interacted when that 'easy camaraderie' happened, it seemed unearned. Let their interactions show their bond and no need to spell it out so soon. The same could be said about Alex. Before Ella explains his background, let his actions and words speak for his character. When I saw Kyle and Alex had this unspeakable tension about Lilya, I sensed some subtext, although 'My brother sounded so protective of Lilya' defeated the purpose.

Trust the readers to pick up. If they don't, then it's not their story.

The dragging pace was further slowed down when 'mixture' was often used for conflicting emotions in characters. They could just be succinct or you create a shift from one emotion to another, which could make them more dynamic. Overall, despite there being two different POVs of Ella and Kyle, I couldn't sense the difference between their voices because of the issues I mentioned. Don't be afraid to write short or less descriptive narratives. With it, we might discover their difference. Use Grammarly or ProWritingAid (don't fully rely on them) for grammar. Text-to-speech site is good too for detecting awkward sentences.