AkiAngel - if you Never Touched Me

aoi and angel

It was midnight, me in his bed as I hear every moving footstep upstairs of his neighbours. They're probably having sex again. I can hear Aki's little breath draw in and out, a pattern I will never be tired of. I listen to him, and my fingers turn cold, my throat clamping up, my stomach a twist. Many nights like these I wonder why Aki chose to like me. Because there were girls that would taunt him and flaunt their pretty boobs in his face in hallways and he would not give a damn. That there are boys in class that would ask him to join their groups, and he chose to stay by my side. Am I that bad a burden? Or is there some other reason?

The girls had been stealing looks at me as I walk to school, the last time one apporached me she was dared to ask me the most taunting question:

"Does Aki like you? Are you both like...a thing?"

I can still hear their laughing, cackling high-pitched thunder, crawling under my skin, their eyes watching me as I eat, as I watch Aki during p.e. They're always there, and they will never stop.

My mind kept spiraling that night, as I tucked in my legs into a fetal position and sob silently. As I imagine my mother's arms pull me in like she would when I was 5 years old. When she would name me her daughter, and it was all it was.

But I was here, like all nights, as my bedroom lights stays dying and my childhood is kept in a porcelain box I choose never to open again. I grit my teeth, tear my skin if I could. But Aki would see. And I would not like that, to not have Aki by my side anymore. Life would be bland, life would be grey and, and, and-

"Angel." his hand is blindly finding my body, as he pats on the spot next to him. I hold my breath, my heart pounding. I could hear him grunt lowly, as he could not find me in the dark. Then his voice calls me again.

"Angel, why are you hiding under the covers?"

Angel, Aoi. Which is right? Which is better?

"Aki." I refuse to move. He would suspect I had been crying the whole time, and be mad.

He turns silent. I bite my inner cheek before I brace myself, afraid to squeak out a sob instead.

"Would you like me better if I was a girl?"

My voice cracks halfway. It came out much, much sadder than I intended to.

The static noise of his ceiling fan is the loudest noise in the room. My throat feels like a rock had been stuffed down it, tugging down my voice and my oxygen. I spiral further, falling deeper, knowing that I had been right all along. I will not be accepted if I was just me.

But Aki's hand had found mine under the sheets, and he pulls me out at once, with one grasp, with one tug. I hide under his sweater, still dying inside. But Aki had not said a thing yet, and it pains me to the core knowing this is how it will end, my hands fly to my ears, blocking out any sound. Even if he had said anything, I don't want to hear it. I know this will not end well for me. Just forget it happened. Just let me sleep in your bed.

Shit, why did I make it so complicated? Why did I ask such a stupid question? Why would I interrupt his sleep? Stupid Angel. Stupid Aoi. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Now, as I throw up in the school bathroom, I hear the boys rush in and out, nobody asking if I am ok. The burning acid in my stomach keeps coming, the disgusting feeling I had kept inside finally leaping out of me, my body. My hands on the walls as my aching body loses it's color. It's cold and everything is beating in my head, replaying horrid memories. My eyes blurred with tears, my vision not worth anything, What would my mother say once she finds me like this? Where do I go? Who do I run to? What good am I, really?