The diary of an African man

CHAPTER 22

I drove to Mandisa's place and parked outside of the garage but didn't get inside. She was pregnant and I didn't want to disturb her much needed rest. I slept in the car but was disturbed by knocking on the window.

"Nkosana what are you doing here, are you okay?" She asked while trying to open the locked door.

I nodded in response and unlocked the car.

"Come inside so you can sleep properly it's 1a.m plus you have work tomorrow." She said and got out of the car to open my door. She ushered me into her house and made me coffee.
"Talk to me." She commanded.

"It's over, I messed up. She deserved to be happier and I had to let her go. I was trying to protect her." I explained.

"By hurting her?"

"I have a past, you of all people know that. I was putting her in danger and I would not forgive myself if anything were to happen to her." I roared.

"Everyone has a past Nkosana but you're not letting the past stay in the past." She tried to reason

"It isn't the past anymore." I said and confusion carved her features. "I'm back in the game." And she hung her head in disappointment "It wasn't a choice, they were toying with my siblings and I could not let that happen." I added.

"Tell her everything."

"No"

"You love her don't you?"

"My patience is running out." I warned.

She stood up and announced that she was going back to sleep. I went to the guest room and closed my eyes. I didn't sleep but atleast I pretended to.

****

At work I wasn't exactly quiet, just really distracted to the point where it was concerning. I told my colleagues about my troubles and most of them advised me to tell her the truth. I didn't really go into detail about my past but Skhumbuzo knew better.

I hated how everyone said the same damn thing. I didn't know how it would sound telling her. I love her I really do but I didn't trust her, in this life no one could be trusted.

For a whole week I wanted to call her. I deleted her number even though it didn't make a difference since I knew her number by heart. But it was a good step towards to moving on, right?

My heart could not and would not listen to any instruction given.  It was the 24th of May which meant it was her birthday. That being the reason why I bought her a bouquet of roses with each rose wrapped with  hundred Rand notes. I personally requested Vuks to deliver it to her workplace. After work I would go to her apartment and leave  a box filled with her favourite snacks and a small cake.

I was dumb I know but hey, shoot me. After I was done with work I went to Mandisa's place to fetch what she had packed in the box for Zama. I wrote a small note to her that read 'I love you more than anything and I'm sorry' with my initials at the bottom.

I drove to Zama's place and knocked twice before leaving. I didn't want her to see me and I didn't want to see her either. I knew my body would probably disobey me and end up kissing her instead.

I went back home and opened my rarely used whiskey bottle. I felt overwhelmed and so I chose to drown myself in alcohol. I was never one to find solutions at the bottom of one's glass but I was desperate. I locked the door and made sure the house was secure and went to my room with a bottle of whiskey.

I don't quite recall what had happened while I was drunk. I don't remember falling asleep either but I did. When I woke up I saw a message from Zama and realised that my the that Zama's  number was at the top of my recent calls. Shittity shit, shit. I viewed the message and it read