For Every Missing Shade

Entry 20

5. Feel like I'm huge

6. Go on a road trip

7. Makeout with Israel Taylor (a lot)

8. Laugh so hard I cry

9. Cry so hard I laugh

10. Believe in Something (the something with a capital S)

11. Be alone

12. Retire

13. Do something every day that I've never done before

14. Do yoga or some shit like that

15. Meet my parents

I reread each item on the list before I handed it back to her. She looked at me like she was waiting for my reaction.

"I love it," I said finally.

"Good because I sort of planned all of it out. It's going to be a twenty-day trip that I'm taking. I already told my parents about it and they agreed to it as long as I call them every day and they get to fly to wherever I am every three days." She laughed a bit. "They wanted to follow me in their car but I said that I needed to do some of this without them."

A bowling ball dropped in my stomach at the thought of losing her for that long. I decided to stay supportive. "I think it's amazing. I bet it'll be really fun."

"Well I'm glad you think that because I also really wanted your okay for it."

"No, I mean it would be so selfish of me to tell you to stay. You should definitely go."

My jaw felt like it broke under the pressure of those words.

"Oh no, not like that. I meant to say I needed your okay for it because, well, I want you to come with me."

"What?" I had to make sure I heard her correctly. "You want me to come?"

She smiled. "I wouldn't go if someone wasn't with me. And I'd ask my parents, but I want it to be you"

I ran my hands through my hair. "That's crazy... Uh, I mean, absolutely yes, I'll go, but Emma, this is crazy."

She laughed. "Well, that's what I'm going for."

I looked back at the list. "One question, though. Why is Retire already crossed off? I didn't even know you had a job."

"I don't. I dropped out of school this morning."

My jaw dropped but I picked it up quickly. "Just like that?"

"Yup. Made the call this morning. Weirdly enough, they don't argue much once you say that you have a month to live."

We laughed and sat on the couch for a minute.

"There is one thing we need to do, though." She said.

"What?" I asked.

"Tell Stew."

My jaw fell when she said it. I had forgotten entirely about Stew. He was predictable in just about every situation, but I had no idea how he would respond to this.

I called him to ask if he wanted to hang out, but I forgot that it was only Tuesday and some people still have school. The call went to voicemail after two or three rings and I hoped I didn't just get his phone taken away from him.

We decided to leave the house and drive around. I wasn't sure where we were going, but I was excited for it to just be us again.

We talked about normal things on our way around town. It was fun in a weird way, kind of like having a picnic in the middle of a tornado. We ended up in a park behind an elementary school. We got out and made our way across the wood chips to a swing set on the other side of the playground.