Hidden Infatuation

Positive Perspectives

I guess in retrospect it wouldn't really matter if I made it there or not. As soon as my so-called father saw dollar signs the money was gone as fast as it came in. I was left with nothing because it seemed that no matter how much I tried to hide any given amount it would always be found and taken. I was the minor after all, he was supposed to be in charge of me, he was supposed to be the one taking care of me. If only that was the case. 

It was only a mere month that I lasted at my previous job at the local grocery store before I was fired. I couldn't blame them thought, I was absent more days than I worked there during that time. 

It was back in November of last year, the most heinous time of the year for me. Things at home were always more volatile around this time when my father's drinking would reach its peak. November thirteenth was the day of my birth, though it was more commonly known as the day of my mother's death.

Never have I known my father to be any way other than what he was like now, but I know that my mother's death destroyed him. The only cleaned surface in the dark interior were the freshly polished golden picture frames that held the photographs of my mother. Every day like clockwork, during the small window of time in which he was sober he could be found dusting and polishing the frames an obsessive number of times. In those moments a peak of what I imagined was his old self poked through the hardened exterior. For a moment his eyes would soften as he wept. 

 Anyone with a blind eye could tell by the pearly white smiles in the pictures that they were in love. Never had I seen him like that, so happy. It seemed so unrealistic that it resembled more of an imaginary painting than a moment captured in time. 

As soon as he set his eyes on me his demeanor would change, and the sadness that I had thought I had seen was replaced by red hot anger that was channeled toward me. I was the reason that she was no longer here. I killed her. There wasn't a day that went by where he wouldn't remind me of that. 

I wanted to miss her, but how could I miss someone that I had never met? Numerous times throughout my childhood I wondered what it would be like if she had been here. When my father was preoccupied in his pool of misery I would gaze at the largest portrait of the beautiful dark haired, pale skinned woman that had been my mother. Looking up into her bright green eyes with so many unanswered questions swirling behind my hazel orbs. What would things be like if you were here? Would everything be different? Would my father be the man like in those photographs? Was that man even real? Would this home still be in shambles if you were here? Would I be wanted? I yearned for something that could never be answered. I craved something that could never be possible. 

I'm not sure when I stopped talking to the picture on the wall. I'm not sure when the harsh reality of things finally settled in. There was no use in asking questions to someone that could never answer or imagining what could but never will be. It was pointless. The what ifs only led to a false hope of a change that would never come. 

As much as I hated it I still prayed deep down that someday my life would turn around, that something would change. I guess that was just wishful thinking. 

If it wasn't for my two closest friend Layla and Harvey, I'm not sure that I would have made it through. After being friends with them for so many years they had known a portion of what went on at my home life, though I would never tell them everything. They were there for me through everything, but I didn't want to drag them through even more of my sob story. Truth be told I knew that they would stick by my side through anything, but I was just too ashamed to shed light on everything that went on at home. 

That's why when my father had locked me out of the house after a long night of shattered liquor bottles and undeserved beatings I had remained outside, still on the property. I could have gone to either Harvey's or Layla's as they both had their own jobs and apartments. I knew that either one of them would take me in a heartbeat, but I couldn't take advantage of that. Their friendship.