Midnight Kisses

III

Mischa and I go downstairs to eat the breakfast he made. "Good morning dear and my favorite kid at my son's school." My mother walks over to eat with us. He made fresh chocolate chip waffles. They're so delectable. The soft, fluffy bread with the melted dark chocolate chips. The aroma is pleasing. "I'm gonna ignore the fact you just said that my friend is your favorite kid at my school, Mischa, these waffles are amazing!" I look over at him with my mouth stuffed. He laughs at the way my face looks. His smile is so sweet and genuine. He even has a gap in his teeth! "Thank you!" He says, still chuckling. As I eat, my mother stares me down and tells Mischa that she needs to talk to me. He walks upstairs and disappears. "Sweetie, you're not getting your feelings hurt, not on my watch. I know you like that boy." She was worried. It showed. "Ma, I understand that he's not into me like that. I'm not hurt. I just have to focus on myself." I've learned my lesson before. "Okay then. I love you, dear." "I love you too, ma." We hug each other.

I go back upstairs to see Mischa browsing my TV. "Hey, what was that about?" He seems confused. "Oh uhm, just- family issues?" I try and come up with something, but it isn't believable. "You can talk if you want to. I know you are lying." He's only known me for a bit and he knows a fib when he sees one. "Fine. There's this guy I like, but he's as straight as they come. And he's gonna hate me if I tell him I like him because he has a girlfriend." Shit. Now he probably knows. "I am so sorry." He just apologizes to me. Like I didn't just tell him I like him. "You know, Talia and I are engaged, not dating." He says that like I asked a question about them. "Okay?" I'm confused. "You said she was my girlfriend." What- Oh lord. "OH UH THAT WASN'T ABOUT YOU, IT WAS ABOUT SOME BOY OUT OF SCHOOL I'M SORRY IF IT CAME OUT THAT WAY I JUST-" I'm interrupted. "Noel, you don't have to hide your feelings for me. Look, I'm struggling with myself right now and we have only known each other for a bit. I still have to go over things with Talia. I am so sorry. We can still be friends. And trust me, I love you the way you are. I'm just not ready.

It's Monday again. I don't wanna go to school. I feel ashamed for just being alive. I get out of going by telling my mom and she calls the school saying I'm sick. We go out, get iced chai lattes, and have a girls day. My gender is not your business. I hear a ringing from my phone. Ocean is calling.

"Hey, where are you? We're all worried."

"I'm uh- I'm sick- yeah, sick." I fake cough.

"Uhuh... EVERYONE, NOEL IS SICK!"

WHY DID SHE SCREAM THAT?!

"OCEAN. WHY?!"

"Because I love you."

I can feel the devilish smirk on her face. God, I hate her.

"NOEL?!"

OH GOD NO. NOT HIM.

"Are you alright?! Do you need us to help?"

"I'm fine, Misch. I just need rest." My mother hears me. "Noel, hand me the phone. Now." I don't fight back. I give it to her.

"Excuse me, is this Mischa?"

"Yes. You're Noel's mother, correct?"

"Mhm. I want an explanation as to why you broke my son's heart. He did nothing wrong. I want a clear explanation. NOW." What. The. Hell. Why does she act like this is her personal problem? It's none of her business. I just need time. This is my privacy. "Ma. No. Just stop. This isn't your business." I say sternly rather than a plead. She understands better that way. "But, honey, he hurt you. I can't have that. I won't have that." She isn't listening. "MOM. Please." At this point, I could feel the water running from my eyes. "I'll be in the bathroom." She's wiping her eyes. I let out a long and loud sigh. After she walks into the coffee shop, I feel something. I turn around to see Will. "Hey, punk. Sobbing over some dumb romantic flop? Pathetic. FELLAS!" Of course he's skipping school. I'm forced to walk with them across the street, in the alley. I let them pull my hair, push me down, punch me, kick me, call me names. It's all just pain. I have to deal with it.

This hurts. I'm in pain. Why don't I fight back? I have to. I grab my pocket knife and hold it out. I barely speak, "S-stop. I'll hurt-" I pass out. I feel pressure on my body for 10 more minutes until it stops. I can't wake up. I know I'm asleep, but I can't open my eyes. I want to cry, but I can't.

My eyelids that were once glued shut finally opened. I gasp for air. All I see are lights and white walls. Is this the hospital? I hope not. Am I okay? I hear a woman say something. I can't understand anything. I see a tall, blurry figure walk in. Mischa? "My sweet Noel... What have I done?" He holds my face. We're only friends. But I feel so loved. I manage to phonate. "Mischa, this isn't your fault. It's mine." I try and smile. "No. It's Will's. That bitch." He frowns. He could get hurt. But it's up to him. I can't help. He is his own person. Whatever heart drives him to do, I accept it. But it will only get worse... "Mischa. Whatever you're thinking of doing will only make it worse for the both of us. I love you, you know I do, but my love can't go this far to let you help me. I want you to follow your heart, but not to the extent where it just makes it worse." He looks at me with confusion. "What?" He looks funny when he's confused. Ocean walks in. "Mischa, he's saying that love conquers all... in a very VERY confusing manner." Mischa looks at me with tears. "You, Noel Gruber, are a poet-to-be!" He says with too many voice cracks to call it a voice crack. I love him. "Uhm..." He tries to speak again after a moment. "I talked with Talia. She's wanting to be my friend again. She told me to follow my dreams. I don't think I'm ready though. So... will you be okay with going to winter dance as friends?" As much as I want to cry, I just smile. "Yeah. I'm okay with that! Also, Ocean, Constance has something to say, I believe." I stare at constance who is holding a batch of cupcakes that say, "Will you go to the winter dance with me?" Of course, Ocean just hugs her and tells Constance how much she has loved her the past years. It was sweet. They go back home and hang out together. Ricky appears out of a corner and in his own way, signs "Well that evaporated quickly." Penny and I laugh a little. Mischa looks at us confused. "Ricky, you mean escalated." Penny fixes his mistake.

After Penny and Ricky leave, it's just Mischa and I. "So...?" I try to break the silence with my wanders. He looks at me. "So what?" That didn't come off as rude, it came off as trying to understand what I'm insisting. "You're sending me mixed feelings. Do you like me?" That was bold of me to say. "I really don't want to talk about this." He just rejects my question? "Misch, please, I promise I won't speak of it after." I try to convince him. "Noel..." He starts to sound bothered. "Please!" I won't stop. "NOEL. I SAID NO. WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN?!" I messed up. Badly. I start to cry and he steps outside. Why am I like this?

I just want him to love me. Hold me tight. Call me his. Please.

It's the next morning and my mother is preparing for me to go home from the hospital, but they decline. I lost a lot of blood from all the cuts I got. Penny and Ricky check up on me together and make sure that Mischa and I are okay. I trust them. They let me vent as much as I need. And all I have to look at is their sweet smiles.

I think I can live without his love.