Tag, You're It: Better Run - [Brahms Heelshire Fanfiction]

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He kissed me. Fuck. He kissed me. I kissed him back. We kissed. We kissed. No. No. No.

I laid Brahms to bed, tugged him into the blanket. He looked up at me. His eyes met mine and it took a moment before I looked away again. I couldn't look at him… if I did, I don't think I'll be able to control myself.

He was still without his mask. The scars on his face looked bad but not in a way that I didn't like them or find them scary. They were just horrible in a way, that he didn't deserve this. His past was evil and cruel to him.. 

"Good night, Brahms." I whispered and kissed his forehead. A small smile appeared on his lips. Only slightly, like if he didn't want to smile but he still did.. 

After I left the room and closed the door, I leaned against it and let out a deep breath. My heart pounding in my chest.

I kissed him. I fucking kissed him..  and I liked it. I fucking liked it. God.. no, no. That is not okay. No! But.. I wanted it. Kinda.. it wasn't something bad, was it? I was allowed to feel those things, wasn't I? It's really not something bad..

I quickly headed to the bathroom where the mask was rotting and took it. I looked down at it. The porcelain mask had cracks, like it had been fixed again. Like we fixed the doll a while ago. Now the doll was sitting in the parents bedroom all the time.

Grabbing a small sponge, I also took some soap and started to clean the mask. Slowly, carefully, so I wouldn't break it. I didn't want to break it. I didn't want him to hate me because I broke something he cares about. Something important and vulnerable to him.

Through the small cracks in the mask water slipped through and I smiled down at it. So much pain. So many memories and so many tears. So much trauma yet.. now? Maybe some happy moments too? I hoped so.. I hoped I was helping him at some point, it doesn't have to be much.. just a bit and it would be enough.

Tears grew in my eyes and I held my mouth shut with my hand, laid the porcelain mask on the sink and gasped. Salty tears ran down my cheek and I sat on the ground, holding my face in my hands. My breath fastened.

Sobs left my mouth but I tried to keep quiet, I tried to be strong. I was so sorry. So incredibly sorry. My heart was pounding against my chest and I gasped for air again. No oxygen came into my lungs and I gasped and gasped as the sobbing got worse.

I didn't want to cry. The feeling was so horrible.. as if someone is stabbing right through my heart. I hated it to cry.

"[Y/n]?" I heard from the other side of the door and I quickly silenced my sobbing. Calm down, bitch. 

"Yea..?" I asked with a crispy voice and tried to fucking calm myself down. But it didn't work, my hands were shaking and I couldn't really go back to my strong voice no matter how hard I tried.

"Is everything okay?" Brahms' voice wasn't as muffled as when he was wearing his mask, only the door was in the way. I liked his voice, it was calming but right now I couldn't speak for myself.

"Mh.." I tried to bring it out loud enough but it didn't work as I wanted it to.

"Please, don't cry." He whispered and I think he laid his hand on the door, it sounded like it at least. I wanted him to hug me, I wanted to feel held and loved and wanted. The kiss just turned out to be everything I needed until I break.

"Can you open the door?" He asked but I shook my head even though he didn't see me. I didn't care. My desires have to remain silent and I have to keep it that way. This wasn't about me. This was about Brahms and I wanted to help him. Not myself.