this is me trying: taylor swift + joe alwyn

nineteen

UM?!?!
SPEAK NOW TAYLORS VERSION?!
HOLY SHIT?!
THATS ALL
I DIED DEAD.
ENJOY THE CHAPTER 💜💜💜

5th January 2023

I spent a long time sitting at this piano. I came up with a few lyrics but my head wasn't really working. Usually when I'm upset I write the best lyrics, but this time I was so upset that my brain was barely functioning.

Since my mind wasn't working and wasn't letting me come up with new songs, I decided to revisit one I wrote a few months ago, Bigger Than The Whole Sky. I didn't write this song for this situation specifically, because in that moment I hadn't lived through this. I wrote it more just in general about losing someone you never really got to meet. But now that this has happened, now that I've lost someone I only knew about for a few weeks and never even got to meet, the song feels different. It feels like it was written for exactly this moment.

I started to play the first few chords of the song, but for some reason I couldn't seem to play it right. I kept playing a C sharp minor chord rather then a C sharp major. I know that's not a huge deal, but playing piano is like second nature to me at this point, and sure I still make mistakes, but I know chords like the back of my hand, I shouldn't be getting this wrong.

I tried to sing along but I could barely get through two sets of the chord progression without messing up. And if I didn't mess up, I was trying to sing lyrics that hurt too much and I ended up in tears.

Music was usually the one thing that could help me escape. It would usually pull me out of a dark place and take me to a place where my mind is only focusing on the music I'm playing, and nothing else.

This time, that was not the case. This time my feelings and my emotions were so strong that music couldn't even pull me away. The one thing that usually saved me wasn't saving me.

At this point, if music couldn't save me, what could? Was there even any point in trying to find what could save me? I'm not sure if I even want to be saved. I know what the easy way out is, and I know it would make all this pain end straight away.

I tried not to tell myself this. But after what Joe did, my self esteem has plummeted, and all these feelings about the baby have just come piling back on. I guess that's what I get for trying to push those emotions away and ignoring them - they all come back and hit you like a tonne of bricks.

I could feel the pain slowly getting stronger the more I thought about it. I had always, even when I was a little kid, used music to express my feelings. It's just always been what's easiest for me. But now, the pain was so strong I couldn't even do that. I didn't know how to let these feelings out. I didn't know if I needed to cry, or scream, or yell, or throw something, or even just talk about it. I don't know what I need to be able to get through this.

"Hey, how are you doing?" Joe asked, slightly startling me as I noticed him standing in the doorway.

"How long have you been here?" I asked, turning around to face him.

"Not too long. I just wanted to check on you." Joe said, taking a few steps closer to me.

I looked him up and down, reminding myself that I'm supposed to be mad at him still.

"Well I don't need you to check on me. I'm fine." I said as I got up and walked straight past Joe and into the kitchen.

I placed my hands onto the counter, holding myself up. I was so weak at this point I could barely stand, but Joe didn't need to know about that.

"It's getting late, do you want me to make us dinner?" Joe said after following me into the kitchen.

"I'm not hungry, I'm going to bed." I said, making my way towards the stairs.