this is me trying: taylor swift + joe alwyn

seventeen

I didn't want to let myself fall back into this trap. And I'm not in any way proud of what I'm doing. But with Joe not being here and my mind constantly spiralling, I needed at least one thing I could control. And that one thing happened to be how much I ate. If I lost all this weight and was skinny again, Joe wouldn't feel the need to cheat on me.

Don't get me wrong, I am still mad at him. What he did was wrong and it's going to be hard to forgive him. But, at the same time, I see where he's coming from. He wants to have sex with prettier, skinnier, younger women, it makes sense. And since I couldn't make myself younger, I had to focus on the things I can control. I can get skinnier, and in turn that will make me prettier.

I also knew exactly what I needed to do to get skinnier. I've done it before, I can do it again. I need to exercise. I need to go on runs, go to the gym, do 100 sit-ups before bed, that kind of thing. And if I do this and I don't eat anything? The weight will drop off instantly.

I sat on the couch with my glass of water. I had barely eaten anything yesterday or the day before. The most substantial thing I've consumed in the past 48 hours is a large amount of alcohol, which I'm fully aware isn't a good thing.

I pretty much just sat in my own misery until my phone started to ring. I saw Joe's name pop up on my phone and an instant eye-roll escaped my eyes.

"What the fuck do you want." I answered, not wanting this conversation to last long.

"I just-... wanted to see how you're doing."

"Joe don't call me. I don't want to talk to you. There's a reason I made you leave."

"Okay Taylor it I'm being honest, I called you to make sure you don't stop eating. I know the second you start to feel slightly insecure you like to take control of how much you eat and I know without anyone there to force you, you don't eat anything." Joe spoke quickly, as if he was scared I was going to cut him off, which to be fair I almost did a few times.

I took a deep breath, full well knowing he was right. But he couldn't know that he was right. He couldn't know that I'm struggling because of what he did. He's supposed to think I'm fine, and then when he comes back here he'll see how much skinnier I am and he'll love me again.

"Joe I'm fine, okay? Can you please just leave me alone." I asked, more calmly this time.

"Okay... I love you."

"Mhm." I hung up.

I really hate that he knows me so well. It makes it almost impossible to hate him. Sure, I hate what he did, but I couldn't ever hate him.

___________
5th January, 2023

Three days later, and I still haven't eaten. I've been filling myself up with water, and distracting my mouth from the hunger with gum - sugar free obviously.

I was really started to feel the effects of not eating as well. I knew this feeling very well, it's a feeling I used to get almost daily back when my eating disorder was at its absolute peak in 2015/16.

I was weak and tired, I had hugely obvious bags under my eyes, and I could barely stand up for more then a few minutes at a time. This all means it's working though. It means I'm going to start losing weight soon.

Joe has called me every day since I made him leave, but the conversations never lasted long. They always consisted of him making sure I was okay, me telling him I'm fine, and then ending with him saying he loves me and me hanging up.

My mom was coming over today to drop the cats back, she had been looking after them while Joe and I were in London. She had no idea about this whole situation yet, so I knew that would be a fun conversation.