Ruination

26. A Letter of Regrets

The tension, the anxiety, the fear...it was now starting to give me a headache. 

Quickly taking a sip of coffee from my coffee mug placed on the right corner of my table, I then straightened up and decided to do what I had been dreading throughout the morning. I had made extra calls to Nabeel's school to let them know not to allow anyone to come and even meet Nabeel. 

I had even called the police station to let them know where I would be today, in case Eliyas decided to act funny. 

Now, it was time to face the situation head-on. 

Sighing, I piled up my work files on the left side of my table, so I had enough room to relax and look at the envelope meant for me.  

Placing both arms on the desk, I then grabbed the envelope with both hands, feeling a trembling sensation jolt my strength, and opened it up.

My Sila, 

I am missing you. 

I almost crumbled this paper at the audacity...this disgraceful, spineless and selfish man...

I close my eyes, and you are there. I look around, and I feel breathless because of your absence. I am dreaming about you, being told about how lucky I was to be loved so beautifully. And I know this is my punishment. 

Remembering you now...

I am a broken man. And I hate how I had to break down to accept that I was actually living the biggest irony in my life. 

To want someone I had always promised to hate.

I am a complete idiot, and that doesn't change anything.

I still miss you. 

I don't want to. I don't know why it is happening...why now when women from the cities have always disgusted me so much, when I hate the rich for being so entitled and throwing scraps for the people on the muddy side. I don't want to be a lover...yours to keep, but why is missing you making so much sense?

I cannot get rid of my racing heartbeats, the memories of that day you stunned me while dressed up as my bride...you looked soft, cute, small...easy. I had to marry you. This is my why. You asked me so many times, and I am understanding that now.  

I was a complete fool to deny that you were something that was so out of my control.

Now I know I have done too much to ever earn your feelings back for me.

It is one of my biggest regrets...my biggest loss.

To have something and lose it when you finally want it...

I know you have been a good mom to my Nabeel. 

So I will never hurt you or my son by forcing you to stay. 

Instead, I will win you and my son back....even if I never get the chance to cherish the feeling of being your whole world again. 

The loose pages placed in the envelope are all the moments I jotted down while obsessing over you in my jail, being told by my jail mates how lucky I was for having a wife and child outside. 

I hope you read them all. I hope you understand what happened to me in prison, how many times I breathed after dreaming about you...

Your husband.

Lies...all he ever spoke were lies, but even his truth was no better. 

A gulp of tears and misery hitched up my throat.