Ruination

16. Shades of Suffering

-Beyond tears, there were reasons reflecting in her eyes-

Sila

Shackles scared me. Empty grey corridors horrified me. My choices seemed weak for others, but I still had no regrets about doing what I had done. It was all about choices again. This time, I wasn't concerned about the scars I would in return. 

I had to save a baby. 

It was horrifying seeing Nabeel turn almost blue while the crude nurses had tried to shush him. Instantly, I made the choice. I was miserable, anyways...so far from my home, everyone. Fighting for scraps thrown by the sinister ones wasn't worth allowing a baby to get hurt.

Maybe, this was my weakness...care, feeling too many emotions and allowing others to use that against me. 

I should have steeled my heart, spared no second glance for the son of the man who deserved only my hate. So much hate. I should have seen his son's suffering as something he deserved. Cruel hearts needed to be broken, scarred and pushed from their thrown until they realized what they were doing to others...until they felt the pain that they had inflicted on others. 

Yet, I had again melted.

With those round eyes, chubby cheeks and innocent smiles, Nabeel was just so pure and innocent baby. I could let that baby get hurt because of his father's ways. I made my choice, felt extreme worry for that boy...and then again found myself horribly punished by the crude and heartless ways of Eliyas. 

Whimpering, weak and cold, I had been left sitting in a creepy police station for hours. Harsh questions, crude words, the police had been ruthless with their investigation because they knew that I had no power to protest against it.

"I was just taking care of him." My only defence. 

Hands folded, gaze hardly being able to move up from the shabby table, I could only quietly whisper out my defence. There was no point in saying more. Feelings, caring, it had been my own choice. 

"The institute is claiming that you had been barred from going near that child, that you hold a grudge against his father. That holds a motive."

"I didn't poison him. He was-"

"Nonsense. That institute has been running for decades-the best in town. So many children are kept there. This is the first time such a case emerged. Even the boy's father claims that you were behind it." 

Eliyas...

The scorching hot feeling of strong regret was profound again. 

I curled my fists, trying to control my temper, as I simply decided to stay quiet. There were so many emotions, so much anger and a nauseating spin of depression. This was horrible. 

One step forward and simply dragged back...

Lesson: never show mercy to a street rat. 

The weak and humiliated side of me had thought that saving Nabeel might also get Eliyas to be a bit remorseful, guilty about the way he had treated me....but instead, he had just used me as the easy punching bag. I was too tired to even cry now.

There was no point in crying anymore.

I felt like every second I was just tugging more terror and humiliation towards me, going in a downward spiral direction. Depression had hit me hard. I was just messing everything up now. 

Home left behind, Maryam moving on, becoming a scapegoat for a corrupt institution, I wasn't doing anything right. I was at a low point.  Hot tears had brimmed my eyes, but I was just too tired to cry them out.