Survive

Chapter 4 - Hollow

"You're leaving for your husbands house tomorrow" dad announces as they eat.
"What the actual fuck?!!" Grayson screams but I acted oblivious.
I refused to touch my food after what happened today.
I was totally broken at this point.
I didn't even move at the news. My gaze was just focused on the untouched food... emotionless.
It's like I've faced all worst things in life and fear nothing again.
My father chuckled at my silence and non- reaction as he exchanged words with Gray and the rest of the so called brothers.
There was noise and chaos but I just sat through it.
Gray trying to defend me. Tonight Neymar joined us for dinner– the first time during this entire week.
I bet he's here to see my pain and tears at the news so they find pleasure in it for murdering their mum but my face held no emotions.
"I won't allow this!" Gray says.
"You got no say here idiots" obviously Luca.
The noise continues to persist with the frequent cursing of words among the brothers. At this stage I know that Gray's effort is all in vain.
It will change nothing.
The plates and cutlery were all flying around increasing the noise and everything. I realized Neymar hasn't said a word...he stares at me and I could feel it though I refuse to to turn my head and continue staring at my food which was no longer there because now the table cloth was no longer there meaning my food was dragged along to the floor which I don't care.
It left for them to turn the table over and break it too then they'll be done.
"SHHUTTT UP"
Silence.
Dad's voice still manages to scare his children at this age.
They damn listen to everything he says.
"A word from any of you and I'll skin you alive myself. And Grayson I want to hear no word from you. It decided"
"Bu-"
"I SAID FUCKING SHUT IT" He screams again. I didn't even blink.
"I swear if I hear a word from you I'll do whatever it takes to rip your future career away from you, throw you away from my house and worse just chop the hand of the damn murderer you're defending. It's a disgrace to call you my son."
Grayson shuts up and from the corner of my eyes I can see his tears.
He tries to leave the dinning room when dad says " you're going no where till I'm done speaking" he sits back down.
He sighs and looks at me before looking at the mess they did.
"Neymar has signed everything off and oh , none of you dare get the word out that she's not yet 18. If anyone else get's to know y'all are doomed "
Right.
"Neymar" Grayson whispers as he cries.
Neymar hits the table with his fists, at this point no cutlery was left on the table but he did the final deed.
He kicked the table letting everyone move away cursing except me who was still seated in my position listening to the chaos.
Fortunately and unfortunately the table was knocked off to the other side so it didn't land on my leg or something.
I would have enjoyed the pain of that. I've enjoyed much pain than that. Neymar stares at me also thinking why I seem unfazed at the situation before angrily walking away...out of the house.
That's when everyone looked at me like I've grown two heads. I didn't move.
"Why are you not saying anything?" Dad asks.
"I'll start packing" I declare finally moving- getting up and headed to my room.
No one said a word.
I couldn't even cry any longer.
I removed my clothes and stepped into the shower for the forth time today.

The first time it was my own brother- the darkest secret of this family I'll get murdered for mentioning. They won't even believe me.
The second was dad's friend

The third time Tyler saved me.
The forth time my own brother had the chance but walked pass and let me get raped.
I scrub my skin so hard that I was red.
It hurts but I didn't stop.
I felt their fingers crawl to my thighs and scream in the shower feeling disgusted.
Feeling like a piece of shit.
I stared at the bruises I made on my thighs and stomach the first time I was raped.
I liked the pain and I want it again. Instead of feeling their disgusted fingers on my body I feel pain instead which was a relieve.
I rushed out of the shower and took a razor from the top drawer and began to cut my self out again.
I moan out of relieve.
The old ones were faint but now I'm waking them up again and even creating new ones.
I didn't care.
I continued till I felt satisfied and relaxed.
The water was bright red as the shower washed it off and I stared as I grit my teeth in a wanted agony.
Not like my body isn't designed with scars so I don't care.
I hopped into a pair of shorts that reached my knee covering enough of the cuts and a big faded shirt.
I locked the door.
Honestly there was nothing to pack. The most thing important to me were my drawings and everything I used in creating my arts.
I hope the privilege of drawing isn't ripped from me wherever the hell I'm going.
That was my prayer.
After packing them, I packed my little clothes and shoe with one sandals.
My only luggage was a little duffle bag. My room seemed empty.
I had no belongings.
Nothing.
I heard a knock on the door.
I didn't respond...
I don't want to talk to anyone.
"Star" I heard my name.
It was Neymar.
Sad how I thought it was Gray.
He knocked so hard and continuously but I didn't open up.
"I know you're there" he says.
I remain silent and got ready to go to bed.
"Star, I'm very sorry. Sorry"
I heard something like a sob but I don't care.
They don't care about me.
They hate me and if I ever come out of this, I'll make them pay.
I didn't hear from him and I guessed he went.
He won't waste his energy on me. He just wants to see me break down and laugh in my face finding pleasure in it.
He signed me off for marriage... nothing will change that. He didn't even let dad do that but decided to do it himself to be happy for killing their mother.
But she's my mother too.
There was one person I expected to knock on the door and try to speak to me.
Gray....
He never did.
Out of self pity, anger, hollowness, emptiness and loneliness I closed my eyes to try to have at least my last peace I assume I'll ever get.
But it's false...
You can sleep, you can assume that as having rest and concluding the silence as peace...but it's tormenting as you can imagine.
To sleep and know that you'll wake up just to face the fucked up reality.... You're not even at peace when you brain is shut and tries to have rest because deep down nothing within is at peace to think of a stupid rest.

~Jackie