Faith: Delilah

Chapter 12: Loss

Chapter 12

Loss

How did I get here?

I awoke from a numb, haze-like state. I was sitting in a room full of people, on a hard wooden bench... no, it was pew. Oscar was sitting beside me, stone faced and apathetic.

I remember being in my room, getting dressed.

I shifted in my seat. The outfit I was wearing had been perfect audition outfit, professional and grown up. Apparently, it was also a great funeral outfit. I laid my head in my hands.

I remember some music.

I reviewed some of the hymns the small choir had sung. It was more a quartet than a choir.

Then my eyes focused on the small, white, marble urn in front of me. The white roses surrounding it were supposed to symbolize joy for the entrance of her soul into heaven. To me, they were just void of all color and vibrance.

Like my life.

I couldn't help but adding in my mourning.

A slow melody filled the background. I couldn't place the tune, but it was familiar. It held no comfort for me. It felt bitter and cold, like it was making a mockery of my emotions. Resentment for the music filled me. Tears spilled down my cheeks as hatred became the dominate feeling in my mind.

Why now?

I asked again, coming from deep inside. I chewed on my lips and worked my tongue across the back of my teeth.

Why her?

I was attempting to ask any question that would get me an answer, nothing was forthcoming.

I became increasingly more angry. I could feel it bubbling in the pit of my stomach. It was an anger so pure, it consumed my entire body. I could feel my lungs keeping my air in to keep my from screaming. The world around blurred from now angry tears and the inability to blink.

I forced myself to close my eyes. It took most of my strength. I didn't want to see the pictures the dark held. My body gave in to heaping sobs as the dark showed me her lifeless body. All the coursed through me like the ocean hits the sand in a hurricane. Messy, sitting beside me on the floor, pressed his body into my legs. I breathed deep, trying to calm myself so as to not become hysterical.

"Delilah?" The minister called. "Can you come here please?" his kind smile beckoned me to the pulpit.

Messy walked me to the front of the mourning hall. My eyes wouldn't leave the urn atop a golden pedestal.

My mom is in there.

I met gentle minister in the front of the room. I hadn't noticed all the people until then. Somber faces watched me with intent eyes.

"Delilah," the minister addressed me, "you mother loved you more than anyone else in the world." His hands held mine in a warm and soothing grasp. "Remember that she is always with you. In your memories and in your heart. She will never leave you. Talk to her when you are lost or confused. She will always listen."

The man didn't know me or my mother, but his words were comforting. Knowing my mother would always be there to listen as something I would cling to.

At least she will be there to watch.

"Delilah," the man concentrated on me, "a funeral is not for the dead, but for the living. What do you wish to do with these ashes? Think of a place you can go to reflect on the life you had with your mother."